Monday, November 5, 2007

Little Miss Chicken Little

I've wanted to start a blog for some time now, ruminating over it for so long my best friendThe Tapdancing Ms. B started one with me as a show of support. She managed to get hers up and running a full month before I got around to mine.

One could infer that I'm a horrible procrastinator(and one would be correct!), but I think there was more to my reticence than just being lazy(and again, I am that too).

The nano-second I posted my first blog entry I immediately wanted to take it down. I was overwhelmed with insecurity. Is it too personal? Is it too melodramatic? Will people think it's stupid? Is my writing so horrible that the blog police will knock on my door in the middle of the night to arrest me and steal the letters from my keyboard? Will people like it? Like me? And then it hit me.

I'm a big chicken shit-no really, I am. I have realized that I let fear run a big portion of my life. I'm neurotically afraid of what people will think(and god forbid someone actually confronted me), so I stay quiet. Afraid of failing, so I attempt nothing. Afraid no one will love me for who I am, so I make sure I find every fault with them and reject them first.

Ms.B is forever teasing me about how I'm always shushing her in public, and its true, I do. I'm so worried about drawing attention to myself that I try to make her tone down her amazingly warm- draw-you-in personality. She really should just smack me up side the head and tell me to get over it. But, as she knows me well, she knows I'm channeling my mother and can't help myself. So, she humors me(with the understanding that she can, and will give me large rafts of poo about it later). It's ironic, really, since it was her dynamic personality that compelled me to tap her on the shoulder 20 years ago in a poetry writing class, and ask her to work on a project our professor had assigned. She turned me down, but we started chatting as we walked across campus, and we've been friends ever since.

Back to this blog thang. It may not always be funny, or insightful, - hell, it may not even be coherent at times, but its mine. It's me, in all my scatter brained glory. So, in the spirit of self empowerment and not giving a flying hoo-ha what people think, I'm not going to hit that big red delete button just yet. Judge me, don't judge me - I'll try not to care.


we_be_toys said...

(sniff, sniff) My Stars, Miss Bea, you done brought a tear to my eye! So does this mean we can pick up guys at lunch now? (She asked knowingly)

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Shhhh! ;)

we_be_toys said...

Yo yo yo, I'm a silk worm, yo, and I like poop out silk!
Its just something I'm sayin'...!

Cynthia said...

YO yo yo! And if you ever finish discovering who you'll have nothing left to do! We here love you and can't wait to see you soon...and I tell her Shhh too...she's LOUD!