Saturday, November 3, 2007

Jumping In

I turned 40 this year.
Holy crap!
How did I get here? I look in the mirror and see an overweight single woman who has no idea who she is. I don’t feel like I’ve grown into the person I am supposed to be. Way back when there was this amazing person to nurture, and bring to her fullest potential, but the small, dark hearted side of me locked her away, and whispered damaging untruths, until she believed, then finally became the damaged goods I see in the mirror every morning. But I don’t want to dwell on that. Aside from being overly dramatic, my penchant for dwelling on the negative; on what I’m not, rather than what I am, on what I don’t have, rather than on what I do has been a large contributor to my current existential crisis.

What I want to focus on now (and the impetus behind baring my soul to the blogosphere - lucky you!) is how to unlock that metaphorical door, and let my true self out ('cuz damn, she really has to pee). I want to get to know her, become that person I denied myself access to so long ago. I suspect she’s a pretty cool chick. I want to unite what I see as my fractured physical, emotional, and spiritual selves into one well adjusted, happy, thinner me.

Pretty sentiment, yes,but how do I do that?

I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately ,and what I keep coming back to is writing. Honest- no holds barred- writing. It’s all up for grabs; my past, my present, my future, whether it be painful, embarrassing, or funny, I want to put it out there to try to understand who I am, and change myself for the better. Writing is also a great creative outlet, and anyone who knows me, knows I’m always whining about wanting to be more creative. So here I am, not whining (much), writing.

So, welcome to my little corner of the Internet, here’s to belly flopping into the deep end of the pool. Come on in, the water’s fine.


we_be_toys said...

Come on in...the water's fine! Welcome to the blogisphere, Bea! So glad you made it past that first big wave getting into the water. You know that I am a big fan of the Inner Bea, and am always trying to get her to come out and talk to strangers over lunch. the Outer Bea usually Shushes me, but I am way too obnoxious to let her get to me. So I am excited and looking forward to hearing more from the Inner Bea.
Hootie Hoo!

Chanda said...

My first comment! Thanks for the encouragement. Here's to strange lunches and strangers at lunch.

Suz said...

WOOT! I'm addicted like smack already.

flutter said...

I look forward to swimming with you :)

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