Maybe it's because its Spring and I've put away all my bulky invisibility sweaters (oh, how I miss them). Maybe its because I went clothes shopping this past weekend, and nothing fit well. Or maybe its because I weigh more right now than I ever have in my entire life-for-ever-and-ever-amen. The reality of that statement would normally send me down into the dark dank mold infested basement of depression, and I'm trying really hard not to go there this time, but I have to admit I'm standing at the top of the stairs as we speak.
So I joined Weight Watchers. Again; and if the number of times I've joined and quit were eggs, you could make a shit load of omelets with them. I'll admit my attitude regarding this program has never been stellar. For one thing, I think it feeds my tendency to obsess about food, and I have issues with their reliance on processed foods and artificial sweeteners. I also tended to go into meetings with a major chip on my shoulder, finding criticism in every well intentioned "so how did you do this week?", convinced I was surrounded by over zealous uber dieters looking to bolster their success by my failure. Paranoid much?
What's changed? Funny you should ask. I think my attitude has changed a little. I was sitting in that room, listening to all those women (and more than a few men) share their little victories as well as their lost battles,and each one of them was supported equally. I had an epiphany, right there in my uncomfortable folding chair. I thought to myself "self, maybe you're the critical over zealous uber dieter looking to bolster your failures by belittling other's successes." That's a hard thing to admit to yourself.Oh, and the terrifying number on the scale(which I know I shouldn't be focusing on, but I can't help it) has also provided a renewed sense of urgency to get off my ass and do something. Anything, for cripes sake!
I still have trepidations about being on WW again. I get so hyper focused on food, I worry that it will just feed into the whole compulsive eater's mindset, and I will end up quitting with a vengeance. I'm going to try a few things this time around to alleviate some of that. One of which is to have a day during the week where I just don't think about it at all. I'm not going to call it a cheat day, because I don't like the inference that I'm doing something "bad". I'm also going to refrain from talking about dieting and points and serving sizes ad nauseum both in real life and here. I have a tendency, once I've talked something up, to lose interest quickly and passive aggressively begin to sabotage myself. I recognize that is a completely adolescent reaction put in place by years of forced dieting, but that seems to be the way I roll. As for eating all that processed food and artificially sweetened crap,at least there I can make other choices.
I'm guardedly optimistic this go' round. I know getting healthy is something I have to do,so I will just take it slowly and be willing to give myself a break if I'm not perfection 100% of the time. Maybe this time I can avoid the dank dark basement, I so don't want to go there, there are big ass bugs down there.
I feel like an alcoholic giving up booze, and maybe that is actually what I am. Some sort of hopped up food junkie who has to join a 12 step program to kick her habit.
Hey man, know where I can score a candy bar? (Kidding..... sort of).
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Be Kind to Your Daughters.
I cleaned out my laundry room this weekend, which in and of itself is no big deal, other than it was a total disaster and it needed to be done. No, what makes this random act of organization note worthy is what I found while cleaning. An old box filled with even older books. High School Yearbooks. The time and place I consider to be the epicenter of my issues with self, body, and food. I'm sure the seeds of discontent were planted far earlier, but there, during that time in my life, is where I know in my heart of hearts there was a disconnect between what I actually looked like, and what I saw in the mirror. And there is where I was somehow derailed.
I sat down with a cup of coffee and my Freshman yearbook 1981-82, and there within its time yellowed pages, I saw a slender, confident, happy girl smiling back at me in her cheer leading outfit. I re-read all the signatures and notes to the "wild girl", the "cool chick" "always smiling", "friends forever" that literally covered the blank pages left for those types of things.
Cute, huh? That's what I see now, what anybody would see looking at this picture. I wish that was how I felt at the time. I'm 15 in that picture, and by then I had already been on more diets than I can count. I had been sneaking food since I was in 2nd grade, and had been binging and purging since 8th grade. Iwas completely caught up in the idea that I was fat.
My Sophomore Year held a similar, but slightly different story. I was no longer a cheerleader, even though I had been one the year before. I had to try out again(we all did), but was found lacking. Nothing had changed, other than I had stopped carrying around bottles of Ipecac syrup in my purse and was no longer puking up most of my food. So yes, I had gained about 15 lbs over the summer. So I told myself I didn't want to be a clique-ish cheerleader, and my best friend and I became the Banner Carriers for our Marching Band. OK.. a step down in the social hierarchy that is high school, but still involved, still smiling, still popular enough.
As I perused the pages of my yearbook I began to notice something in each picture I found, something no one else would really be able to see. In all my pictures, both freshman and sophomore year, I noticed there was no trust in my eyes. There was wariness, and an expectation that an axe would fall, and it would be an axe of words; warnings from parents who insisted I would be fat one day if I wasn't careful,of thinly veiled insults from boys who teased about fat cheerleaders, and crushes who said no.
And my 40 year old self got pissed off. I sat in my living room looking at my thin legs and normal waist line and wondered how "they" found that somehow lacking. I can see now how wrong they were,how wrong I was to give them that much power over me.
Years of self destructive eating, a war I have yet to win, may never completely win, all started long before high school. It started when my mother(who still to this day looks at herself through a fun house mirror),caught up in her own self destructive eating disorder, placed her fears of being fat and unlovable with me. It started when, as a prepubescent girl of 12 or 13,I went on my first diet. A diet that restricted my caloric intake to 1000 calories a day. I'm sorry, that's just insane.
So I can't help but worry for the young girls today, watching as their mothers (many of them my age)obsess and worry over being heavy, count every calorie and point they put in their mouths, perpetuate the idea that to be healthy is to diet, to be happy is to be (insert goal weight here). Are we placing the fears we've learned on the shoulders of future women? Ive been to the Weight Watcher meetings where mothers bring daughters too young to actively participate, but not too young to "watch and learn".
What message are we sending these girls? Why aren't we teaching them that to be happy is to be true to ourselves, to be kind to others, and to value what's inside, not outside? Why are we not teaching them to fuel their bodies with natural foods? To trust their bodies to tell them when they are hungry and when they are full, that artificial sweeteners and processed foods are poison? And why, for the love of god, are we not impressing upon them that BRATZ dolls are not to be used as a fashion guideline,and that the models and teen queens they see on TV are not normal? Why are they watching that crap in the first place?
Ive seen little girls cringe as their fathers, the first male role model they have, the one on which they base all other male relationships, tell them they can't eat that, they don't need that, they've had quite enough Thank you, then worry about being fat. They're not even out of elementary school for Christ's Sake! I've heard both parents comment about a heavy woman or child in none too flattering terms in front of their children. This has to make an impact, I honestly don't see how it can't.
I can't help but be horrified as I watch the birth of another eating disorder.
Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, it's been known to happen. But it's my gut reaction and I have to go with it. I have experienced first hand what happens when well meaning parents place too much importance on the wrong things. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is be kind to your daughters, to your nieces, to granddaughters for that matter. Give them strength of self, confidence in their inner beauty, and kindness and respect for others, regardless of outwardly differences.
It's time to stop destroying ourselves from the inside out.
I sat down with a cup of coffee and my Freshman yearbook 1981-82, and there within its time yellowed pages, I saw a slender, confident, happy girl smiling back at me in her cheer leading outfit. I re-read all the signatures and notes to the "wild girl", the "cool chick" "always smiling", "friends forever" that literally covered the blank pages left for those types of things.
Cute, huh? That's what I see now, what anybody would see looking at this picture. I wish that was how I felt at the time. I'm 15 in that picture, and by then I had already been on more diets than I can count. I had been sneaking food since I was in 2nd grade, and had been binging and purging since 8th grade. Iwas completely caught up in the idea that I was fat.
My Sophomore Year held a similar, but slightly different story. I was no longer a cheerleader, even though I had been one the year before. I had to try out again(we all did), but was found lacking. Nothing had changed, other than I had stopped carrying around bottles of Ipecac syrup in my purse and was no longer puking up most of my food. So yes, I had gained about 15 lbs over the summer. So I told myself I didn't want to be a clique-ish cheerleader, and my best friend and I became the Banner Carriers for our Marching Band. OK.. a step down in the social hierarchy that is high school, but still involved, still smiling, still popular enough.
As I perused the pages of my yearbook I began to notice something in each picture I found, something no one else would really be able to see. In all my pictures, both freshman and sophomore year, I noticed there was no trust in my eyes. There was wariness, and an expectation that an axe would fall, and it would be an axe of words; warnings from parents who insisted I would be fat one day if I wasn't careful,of thinly veiled insults from boys who teased about fat cheerleaders, and crushes who said no.
And my 40 year old self got pissed off. I sat in my living room looking at my thin legs and normal waist line and wondered how "they" found that somehow lacking. I can see now how wrong they were,how wrong I was to give them that much power over me.
Years of self destructive eating, a war I have yet to win, may never completely win, all started long before high school. It started when my mother(who still to this day looks at herself through a fun house mirror),caught up in her own self destructive eating disorder, placed her fears of being fat and unlovable with me. It started when, as a prepubescent girl of 12 or 13,I went on my first diet. A diet that restricted my caloric intake to 1000 calories a day. I'm sorry, that's just insane.
So I can't help but worry for the young girls today, watching as their mothers (many of them my age)obsess and worry over being heavy, count every calorie and point they put in their mouths, perpetuate the idea that to be healthy is to diet, to be happy is to be (insert goal weight here). Are we placing the fears we've learned on the shoulders of future women? Ive been to the Weight Watcher meetings where mothers bring daughters too young to actively participate, but not too young to "watch and learn".
What message are we sending these girls? Why aren't we teaching them that to be happy is to be true to ourselves, to be kind to others, and to value what's inside, not outside? Why are we not teaching them to fuel their bodies with natural foods? To trust their bodies to tell them when they are hungry and when they are full, that artificial sweeteners and processed foods are poison? And why, for the love of god, are we not impressing upon them that BRATZ dolls are not to be used as a fashion guideline,and that the models and teen queens they see on TV are not normal? Why are they watching that crap in the first place?
Ive seen little girls cringe as their fathers, the first male role model they have, the one on which they base all other male relationships, tell them they can't eat that, they don't need that, they've had quite enough Thank you, then worry about being fat. They're not even out of elementary school for Christ's Sake! I've heard both parents comment about a heavy woman or child in none too flattering terms in front of their children. This has to make an impact, I honestly don't see how it can't.
I can't help but be horrified as I watch the birth of another eating disorder.
Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, it's been known to happen. But it's my gut reaction and I have to go with it. I have experienced first hand what happens when well meaning parents place too much importance on the wrong things. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is be kind to your daughters, to your nieces, to granddaughters for that matter. Give them strength of self, confidence in their inner beauty, and kindness and respect for others, regardless of outwardly differences.
It's time to stop destroying ourselves from the inside out.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Healthy Challenge Check In - The fine art of procrastination
Obviously I have more than mastered the art of procrastination. If you could unhinge my skull and take a peek inside you would see a beautifully organized (by category) list of rationalizations I like to pull out to assuage my internal guilt monkey for all the things in life, both big and small, I like to put off. Oh, like say for example, writing this update.
There really is no valid reason to put off this post. It's not bad news at all, in fact it's rather good news, but still, here I am, checking in a day late. In fact, I have put off writing anything at all for over a week, and that is yet another study in procrastination and ambivalence I could easily ramble on about for at least three or four paragraphs. I think I'll save that for another time. (See, there it is again!)
Where was I? Oh yes, on to the check in. I got on the scales Tuesday morning - I should stop here and mention that I was seriously considering not weighing myself at all this week, since last week was spent completely ignoring all things weight related - and what do you know? I lost 2 lbs. don’t ask me how, I couldn't tell you, but I'll take it. Maybe not obsessing over every little thing I put in my mouth had something to do with my success. Maybe obsessing about food, regardless of whether I’m compulsively eating or compulsively worrying about eating, is a big part of my problem. I've posted before about my feelings on dieting., but I don't think I have completely rid myself of the dieter's mind set.
There is this wonderful theory now becoming popular that explores the idea of conscious eating instead of dieting. The basic premise is that we as children or young adults, for whatever reason, have lost the ability to self regulate our hunger. We no longer recognize physical hunger cues and eat for emotional reasons, and even more disastrous, we have lost our ability to recognize being satisfied without moving into the "oh my god I want to puke" zone. The trick is to slow down, listen to your body, eat when you are physically hungry, and stop when you are physically full. Obviously that is an overly simplified statement, and much more goes into that process than "just do this and all your issues will be gone". I've read several books by Geneen Roth, and what she has to say made a lot of sense to me, and if you are so inclined, I highly recommend them.
Where is this ramble going? I hardly know myself, but I have been feeling distinctly fraudulent the last couple of weeks as I read everyone’s plans, and points, calories tallied, and lbs lost because I had no such plan, nor was I that jazzed about finding one. So my challenge to myself is not to pick a plan and stick with it, but to slow down enough to listen to my body, feed it what it desires, and stop when I am satiated. Ok, so at least try to do these things. Who knows, maybe I will learn something about myself along the way.
There really is no valid reason to put off this post. It's not bad news at all, in fact it's rather good news, but still, here I am, checking in a day late. In fact, I have put off writing anything at all for over a week, and that is yet another study in procrastination and ambivalence I could easily ramble on about for at least three or four paragraphs. I think I'll save that for another time. (See, there it is again!)
Where was I? Oh yes, on to the check in. I got on the scales Tuesday morning - I should stop here and mention that I was seriously considering not weighing myself at all this week, since last week was spent completely ignoring all things weight related - and what do you know? I lost 2 lbs. don’t ask me how, I couldn't tell you, but I'll take it. Maybe not obsessing over every little thing I put in my mouth had something to do with my success. Maybe obsessing about food, regardless of whether I’m compulsively eating or compulsively worrying about eating, is a big part of my problem. I've posted before about my feelings on dieting., but I don't think I have completely rid myself of the dieter's mind set.
There is this wonderful theory now becoming popular that explores the idea of conscious eating instead of dieting. The basic premise is that we as children or young adults, for whatever reason, have lost the ability to self regulate our hunger. We no longer recognize physical hunger cues and eat for emotional reasons, and even more disastrous, we have lost our ability to recognize being satisfied without moving into the "oh my god I want to puke" zone. The trick is to slow down, listen to your body, eat when you are physically hungry, and stop when you are physically full. Obviously that is an overly simplified statement, and much more goes into that process than "just do this and all your issues will be gone". I've read several books by Geneen Roth, and what she has to say made a lot of sense to me, and if you are so inclined, I highly recommend them.
Where is this ramble going? I hardly know myself, but I have been feeling distinctly fraudulent the last couple of weeks as I read everyone’s plans, and points, calories tallied, and lbs lost because I had no such plan, nor was I that jazzed about finding one. So my challenge to myself is not to pick a plan and stick with it, but to slow down enough to listen to my body, feed it what it desires, and stop when I am satiated. Ok, so at least try to do these things. Who knows, maybe I will learn something about myself along the way.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Squirrely Girl - The Anatomy of a Binge(averted).
8:30PM - Saturday Night. Returned from a wonderful dinner over at Casa de Toy, feeling comfortably full, ready for a quiet evening at home. Curled up with Harry Potter book.
8:50PM - It's quiet in here, too quiet.
9:00PM - Made a cup of tea, placed last three peppermint patty cookies(no sin greater) on a pretty plate and consciously enjoyed my dessert.
9:14PM - Returned to Harry Potter feeling smug and superior for my planned eating and control. Yay me.
9:25PM - No longer feeling smug and superior, feeling restless and agitated. In the back of my mind I know whats coming. Mixed feelings of dread, anticipation, anger, and acquiescence.
9:30PM - Close book, wander into kitchen to peruse contents of cabinets - Pretzels, oatmeal, canned tomatoes, black beans, Kashi bars? No. Staring blankly into the fridge, hmmmm cheese, cold cuts, olives, bread? Cheese toast! Pull half the items out. Stop, throw them all back in, take a deep breath, close the door and give myself a firm but kind pep talk about not being hungry, emotional eating, blah blah blah. Sent myself outside to get some air.
9:44PM - Back inside. Freaked myself out listening to random feral kitties make axe murderer noises in my backyard.
9:45PM - Walk past fridge, open it, close it, open it again. Close it again. Shit.
9:50PM - Sit down at the computer to write a blog entry. Perhaps of version of this very blog entry. Blank blog page gives me the finger. Play a game of online scrabble (OK 3 games).
10:50PM - Ass is asleep. Get up and wander around the house. Well, what do you know? I'm back in the freekin' kitchen again, standing in font of the cabinet. All still there. Open fridge. Nope, no changes in there either. *sigh* Give myself a stern "what the hell are you doing?" talking to and head back into the den.
11:00PM - Turn on the TV. Surf through all 77 channels of crap (4 or 5 times).
11:30PM - Ah! SNL. All is well.... until the damned fast food commercial. Are you f*#!ing kidding me!???
11:45PM - Standing in the kitchen again (there's a shock). Open and close both the cabinet and the fridge again (You have to keep an eye on those suckers, don't ya know).
11:50PM - Pick up my knitting in a last ditch effort to keep my hands and my head busy. SNL in the background. *Knit 1 Purl 2 Knit 1 Purl 2 just keep knitting, just keep knitting, knitting knitting...*
1:00AM - Sleep comes at last. This battle won. Countless more to fight.
8:50PM - It's quiet in here, too quiet.
9:00PM - Made a cup of tea, placed last three peppermint patty cookies(no sin greater) on a pretty plate and consciously enjoyed my dessert.
9:14PM - Returned to Harry Potter feeling smug and superior for my planned eating and control. Yay me.
9:25PM - No longer feeling smug and superior, feeling restless and agitated. In the back of my mind I know whats coming. Mixed feelings of dread, anticipation, anger, and acquiescence.
9:30PM - Close book, wander into kitchen to peruse contents of cabinets - Pretzels, oatmeal, canned tomatoes, black beans, Kashi bars? No. Staring blankly into the fridge, hmmmm cheese, cold cuts, olives, bread? Cheese toast! Pull half the items out. Stop, throw them all back in, take a deep breath, close the door and give myself a firm but kind pep talk about not being hungry, emotional eating, blah blah blah. Sent myself outside to get some air.
9:44PM - Back inside. Freaked myself out listening to random feral kitties make axe murderer noises in my backyard.
9:45PM - Walk past fridge, open it, close it, open it again. Close it again. Shit.
9:50PM - Sit down at the computer to write a blog entry. Perhaps of version of this very blog entry. Blank blog page gives me the finger. Play a game of online scrabble (OK 3 games).
10:50PM - Ass is asleep. Get up and wander around the house. Well, what do you know? I'm back in the freekin' kitchen again, standing in font of the cabinet. All still there. Open fridge. Nope, no changes in there either. *sigh* Give myself a stern "what the hell are you doing?" talking to and head back into the den.
11:00PM - Turn on the TV. Surf through all 77 channels of crap (4 or 5 times).
11:30PM - Ah! SNL. All is well.... until the damned fast food commercial. Are you f*#!ing kidding me!???
11:45PM - Standing in the kitchen again (there's a shock). Open and close both the cabinet and the fridge again (You have to keep an eye on those suckers, don't ya know).
11:50PM - Pick up my knitting in a last ditch effort to keep my hands and my head busy. SNL in the background. *Knit 1 Purl 2 Knit 1 Purl 2 just keep knitting, just keep knitting, knitting knitting...*
1:00AM - Sleep comes at last. This battle won. Countless more to fight.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Mental Health Days
The alarm went off at it's usual time. 6am. It should be outlawed, nobody should have to get up at that hour. Ever. Normally I hit the snooze button about 46 times until I absolutely have to get out of bed and face the day. Today I staged a small coup. I turned the alarm off, reached for my phone and left my regrets on my boss's voice mail. And I was FREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Part of the reason for not going today, was the ginormous pot luck breakfast that was scheduled for today. Not only did I not make the banana bread I had said I would, but I just wasn't feeling strong enough to withstand the abuse my diet would take when faced with the long-ass buffet line loaded with all that bacon-donut-grits-sausage-muffin-yumminess. I have been struggling this week with starting a diet(no- a healthy eating lifestyle change)and did not want to go into the weekend with that on my ever widening butt.
The next call of the Friday morning coup was to buzz She who Tap dances and corrupt her. Let's just say - Mission Accomplished.
Let's recap the day, shall we?
There was the pre battle coffee klatch,where there was much merry making and gossip flinging. Then off we went to explore the new shopping opportunities in our little town. I'm sad to say the opportunities were plentiful, and my credit card is feeling the burn. Bad news for the diet though - who knew there was a brand new chocolatier in town.. who makes their own chocolate...and has a little coffee house on the side....oh the humanity!
I believe the frivolity will carry over into evening, with adult beverages, and if I can convince everyone a John Cusak movie. (Gawd I love that man!)
All in all a good mental health day, much needed, and well spent (just ask my credit card!). I highly recommend them to charge a worn down spirit.
Being bad feels pretty good!
Part of the reason for not going today, was the ginormous pot luck breakfast that was scheduled for today. Not only did I not make the banana bread I had said I would, but I just wasn't feeling strong enough to withstand the abuse my diet would take when faced with the long-ass buffet line loaded with all that bacon-donut-grits-sausage-muffin-yumminess. I have been struggling this week with starting a diet(no- a healthy eating lifestyle change)and did not want to go into the weekend with that on my ever widening butt.
The next call of the Friday morning coup was to buzz She who Tap dances and corrupt her. Let's just say - Mission Accomplished.
Let's recap the day, shall we?
There was the pre battle coffee klatch,where there was much merry making and gossip flinging. Then off we went to explore the new shopping opportunities in our little town. I'm sad to say the opportunities were plentiful, and my credit card is feeling the burn. Bad news for the diet though - who knew there was a brand new chocolatier in town.. who makes their own chocolate...and has a little coffee house on the side....oh the humanity!
I believe the frivolity will carry over into evening, with adult beverages, and if I can convince everyone a John Cusak movie. (Gawd I love that man!)
All in all a good mental health day, much needed, and well spent (just ask my credit card!). I highly recommend them to charge a worn down spirit.
Being bad feels pretty good!
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