Thursday, May 8, 2008

Yep, She's at it Again

Maybe it's because its Spring and I've put away all my bulky invisibility sweaters (oh, how I miss them). Maybe its because I went clothes shopping this past weekend, and nothing fit well. Or maybe its because I weigh more right now than I ever have in my entire life-for-ever-and-ever-amen. The reality of that statement would normally send me down into the dark dank mold infested basement of depression, and I'm trying really hard not to go there this time, but I have to admit I'm standing at the top of the stairs as we speak.

So I joined Weight Watchers. Again; and if the number of times I've joined and quit were eggs, you could make a shit load of omelets with them. I'll admit my attitude regarding this program has never been stellar. For one thing, I think it feeds my tendency to obsess about food, and I have issues with their reliance on processed foods and artificial sweeteners. I also tended to go into meetings with a major chip on my shoulder, finding criticism in every well intentioned "so how did you do this week?", convinced I was surrounded by over zealous uber dieters looking to bolster their success by my failure. Paranoid much?

What's changed? Funny you should ask. I think my attitude has changed a little. I was sitting in that room, listening to all those women (and more than a few men) share their little victories as well as their lost battles,and each one of them was supported equally. I had an epiphany, right there in my uncomfortable folding chair. I thought to myself "self, maybe you're the critical over zealous uber dieter looking to bolster your failures by belittling other's successes." That's a hard thing to admit to yourself.Oh, and the terrifying number on the scale(which I know I shouldn't be focusing on, but I can't help it) has also provided a renewed sense of urgency to get off my ass and do something. Anything, for cripes sake!

I still have trepidations about being on WW again. I get so hyper focused on food, I worry that it will just feed into the whole compulsive eater's mindset, and I will end up quitting with a vengeance. I'm going to try a few things this time around to alleviate some of that. One of which is to have a day during the week where I just don't think about it at all. I'm not going to call it a cheat day, because I don't like the inference that I'm doing something "bad". I'm also going to refrain from talking about dieting and points and serving sizes ad nauseum both in real life and here. I have a tendency, once I've talked something up, to lose interest quickly and passive aggressively begin to sabotage myself. I recognize that is a completely adolescent reaction put in place by years of forced dieting, but that seems to be the way I roll. As for eating all that processed food and artificially sweetened crap,at least there I can make other choices.

I'm guardedly optimistic this go' round. I know getting healthy is something I have to do,so I will just take it slowly and be willing to give myself a break if I'm not perfection 100% of the time. Maybe this time I can avoid the dank dark basement, I so don't want to go there, there are big ass bugs down there.

I feel like an alcoholic giving up booze, and maybe that is actually what I am. Some sort of hopped up food junkie who has to join a 12 step program to kick her habit.

Hey man, know where I can score a candy bar? (Kidding..... sort of).

13 comments:

Cammy said...

Looks like you have a wiser approach to WW than you have in the past. :) I think you're wise, anyway. It's kind of a just do it while you're thinking of other things methodology, and I like it. Wishing you much success!!!

we_be_toys said...

Girl, testify! I'm at the top of those stairs with you and man! I hate those big ass bugs - they jump up on you in the dark and aughHhh!
Points I can live with, bugs I can't.

Lara said...

Diet is a 4 letter word. I hate that word. I actually started my first diet just about 1 1/2 years ago - I had always been super thin before. I did "body for life". I still mostly follow the diet, but the exercise part has really slipped, and I'm noticing it again. It's scary how the metabolism dies once you hit 40. *sigh*

But my point is that any diet or exercise program that is too restrictive for you won't work well. I hope WW does work for you, but if it doesn't, find something else that you CAN live with. You can't go onto a diet because that implies going off of it. You have to think of it as a change of diet. Looking long-term helped me choose something that I could live with long-term, knowing I would be more restrictive at first, but that I was doing something I wouldn't go off of.

Accountability helps too. I know that's what WW is for, but maybe your blog can help as well? We're all rooting for you. :)

FairiesNest said...

I wishing you lots of success and NO BUGS!!

FairiesNest said...

I'm ...who needs more coffee?!

Lynn said...

If you're not much into the processed foodstuffs (I'm not either, if I want a salt lick, I'll have one... I don't need 2000mgs of sodium in a CUP OF SOUP for chrissake!) then you might want to try the Core plan. I've really found it very productive... use your points to "buy" bread and full fat cheeses (I think I remember you saying that you hated ff and lf cheese. I'm not big on them either, but I do find I mind... less than I used to.)

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.

Ms.Q said...

I am so with you sister-friend. I am going back to the W's myself next week and we can count together.

MizFit said...

and its almost easier doing the AA thing (IM BEING HYPERBOLIC) as you can never drink again----we gotta eat.

loved the explanation of your blog name!!

M.

maggie, dammit said...

Ahhh, me and WW could make the same number of omelets together, that's for sure.

I'm a big fan of the "cheat day" mentality, and an even bigger fan of finding something else to call it. But what?

Gypsy said...

Even though I know so many people who have had great success on WW, I can't bring myself to join. Instead, I wallow.

But last year I did this free online calorie counter thingy, and I lost 20 lbs just by paying attention to what I was eating, logging the calories, and keeping them under a certain amount.

Good luck to you!

Advizor said...

First off, after clicking on your Flickr photostream, and, assuming that you are the hottie in the cowboy hat, you look terrific.

WW is a real mixed bag. 3+ years ago I had great success on the program after 2 previous tries that did nothing except cost me money. Third time's a charm, right? I lost 30 pounds and kept it off for 2 years. The last 18 months have seen it all come back. Aaaaagh.

I went on WW twice since the weight started to come back and again, nothing changed except for my upward creeping weight. I found myself really fighting the changes I was imposing on myself, I felt very schizophrenic, started arguing with myself in the mrror, the whole bit. I too was starting to obsess over counting, and cheating, and more counting, and angry cheating, and then I just quit trying, knowing that whatever was happening to me wasn’t healthy mentally or physically. I wasn’t ready to change.

Then, about 2 months ago, I just started, on my own, to follow “the plan.” I don’t count points, I don’t log my food, I don’t even consider myself, “on plan.” I just am. I know enough about WW, and so do you, that I could teach the course tomorrow. I really try not to think about food at all. When it’s time to eat, I make a decision to eat smaller. Get the dollar burger instead of the Whopper. Get the 8 oz. steak instead of the 12 oz. Get brown rice instead of potatoes, water instead of soda, a cookie instead of a milkshake. And, in the mornings, when the guys from the field bring in all the donuts, I just walk away, literally, I leave my office, walk around the building, twice if I’m really hungry. By the time I get back, 90% of them are gone, I cut one in ½ and head back to my desk. This way, if I get a craving later, they are all gone, and my apples and oranges, are there to save me.

I’m only losing about a pound a week, but do you know what? I’m losing a pound a week!! Today I weighed in at 218, down from 228 and I’m thrilled. I know I could start journaling, attending meetings, and counting points and I’d probably lose faster, but I would rebel more, cheat more, resent it more, and be miserable to be around.

If you are ready, and it sounds like you are, do it your way. Keep in touch with your epiphany, and allow yourself to feel connected to your group, to feel their support, to learn from their mistakes, and to share your successes.

Be aware, but not obsessed.
Be mindful, but not concerned.

Good luck. I’m bookmarking your site so I can come back and track your progress!

And sorry for the long post, I didn’t plan in it getting so long, but sometimes I just keep going...

Heather said...

Wowzie, zowzie. I don't have the kind of advice these fine people have. I can say: find a gym buddy. I started as a friend's gym buddy, now she's there more than I am and 20lbs lighter!

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