Facing the Music (the healthy you challenge check in)

Here's a little peek into my psyche. You know I've had a bad week if my check in post is absurdly late, almost to the point of being nonexistent(believe me, I did have more than a few thoughts of just not posting at all). I got on the scale this morning and it wasn't good. At all. I'm not going to post the ugly details because, quite frankly, I find that counter productive. A bad morning on the scale can undermine me for weeks to come. It can toss me into a pit of self pity and self loathing so deep that all I want to do is binge. So we won't go there.

I spent the day trying to organize my thoughts about this post, or more to the point, my thoughts on what factors could have contributed to the temporary demise of my losing streak. I still feel very positive about my decision to give up meat, but I do think it needs some tweaking. A dear friend of mine, and one time vegetarian herself, cautioned me about overdoing the dairy. Evidently it's a rookie mistake, and one, on further inspection, I have totally run with. I also realized that while I have definitely increased my fruit and veggie intake, I have also exponentially increased my carb intake in the form of pasta and rice. Ooops. Note to self. Pay closer attention to carbs and dairy. Thanks Cindy!

And if we're being completely honest here, I have to talk about the big ass pink elephant in the room. It's an ugly one. It's the E word. Just saying "exercise" makes me want to curl up on the couch and veg. I really have to find a way to change my crappy attitude.

Where did this aversion to exercise come from? Funny you should ask. I like to call it "Walk Nazi Backlash". I affectionately call my mother The Walk Nazi. She loves to walk, and thinks everyone should love to walk. When I was a teenager, and we were in the throes of our own brand of mother/daughter angst, her panacea for all my ills was to walk. During my Jr. year in high school we lived at the end of a 1.2 mile dirt road. I had to walk that road every day after school. Up and back, as "exercise". It was an expected chore, that and cleaning the kitchen after dinner. My father liked to get in on the fun by prescribing loooong Saturdays of indentured servitude doing yard work all under the guise of "exercise". Yeah right.

Of course they had my best interest at heart, and seriously, how bad can a walk up a dirt road in the middle of a beautiful farm be? And the yard work? Well, that sucked, but who didn't have to do chores to earn an allowance? Unfortunately I processed the whole thing as being all about poor picked on me. I was being singled out, suppressed, and put upon all due to my blooming weight problem. I haven't really gotten past the "exercise-is-a-big-bad-ugly-chore-set-upon-this-earth-to-vex and torture me" thing. Mature huh? Maybe its time to move on. But how to do that, well there's the rub. All I can do at this point is take it in little tiny baby steps. I've promised myself to go to the gym three times this week (we won't discuss the fact that I haven't gone yet). That's it. That's as far ahead as I'm thinking.

So, there you have it, my less than stellar week. I just have to keep in mind that in the grand scheme of things, it means very little, and I need to keep my perspective. If I can take something positive from it and apply it to my pursuit of a healthy life style, then all is not lost.

Healthy Challenge Check In - The fine art of procrastination

Obviously I have more than mastered the art of procrastination. If you could unhinge my skull and take a peek inside you would see a beautifully organized (by category) list of rationalizations I like to pull out to assuage my internal guilt monkey for all the things in life, both big and small, I like to put off. Oh, like say for example, writing this update.

There really is no valid reason to put off this post. It's not bad news at all, in fact it's rather good news, but still, here I am, checking in a day late. In fact, I have put off writing anything at all for over a week, and that is yet another study in procrastination and ambivalence I could easily ramble on about for at least three or four paragraphs. I think I'll save that for another time. (See, there it is again!)

Where was I? Oh yes, on to the check in. I got on the scales Tuesday morning - I should stop here and mention that I was seriously considering not weighing myself at all this week, since last week was spent completely ignoring all things weight related - and what do you know? I lost 2 lbs. don’t ask me how, I couldn't tell you, but I'll take it. Maybe not obsessing over every little thing I put in my mouth had something to do with my success. Maybe obsessing about food, regardless of whether I’m compulsively eating or compulsively worrying about eating, is a big part of my problem. I've posted before about my feelings on dieting., but I don't think I have completely rid myself of the dieter's mind set.

There is this wonderful theory now becoming popular that explores the idea of conscious eating instead of dieting. The basic premise is that we as children or young adults, for whatever reason, have lost the ability to self regulate our hunger. We no longer recognize physical hunger cues and eat for emotional reasons, and even more disastrous, we have lost our ability to recognize being satisfied without moving into the "oh my god I want to puke" zone. The trick is to slow down, listen to your body, eat when you are physically hungry, and stop when you are physically full. Obviously that is an overly simplified statement, and much more goes into that process than "just do this and all your issues will be gone". I've read several books by Geneen Roth, and what she has to say made a lot of sense to me, and if you are so inclined, I highly recommend them.

Where is this ramble going? I hardly know myself, but I have been feeling distinctly fraudulent the last couple of weeks as I read everyone’s plans, and points, calories tallied, and lbs lost because I had no such plan, nor was I that jazzed about finding one. So my challenge to myself is not to pick a plan and stick with it, but to slow down enough to listen to my body, feed it what it desires, and stop when I am satiated. Ok, so at least try to do these things. Who knows, maybe I will learn something about myself along the way.

Healthy You Challenge Check In: Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

I suppose that's a good thing considering the previous week's gain of 2.5 lbs. I really can't complain(especially after this weekend's potato chip masacree - and oh was it good!), but Im going to anyway.

Motivation on all fronts is non-existent. Maybe it's the time of the year. Maybe Im supposed to be hibernating dammit, not trying to get my butt to the gym! Maybe it's because aunt flo came today so last week I was pms'ing and needed the French onion dip to go along with those chips. Maybe it's because this Thursday is the day I love to hate, and Im feeling sorry for myself as only a singleton can. Or maybe(it's the word of the day)my attitude is for shite and I need to snap out of it. However you look at it, I'll take my nothing gained and count myself lucky.

It wasn't all bad this last week though. I did get more sleep (thank gawd! Can you imagine the tone of this post if I was sleep deprived as well??? I shudder to think). I also managed to up my water intake each day to the recommended 6-8 glasses. So there. Not a total wash.

I don't feel all that great going into this week either (what with VD and all that), but rather than pout and quite possibly binge in a haze of self loathing, Im going to try to be a little kinder to myself, take the pressure off a little, and just try to maintain some state of zen. For just this week Im not going to focus on how many days I do or don't get to the gym, or if that piece of chocolate I just ate makes me evil incarnate; for this week Im going to pamper myself with yummy smelling soaps, romantic comedies staring John Cusack, hanging out with my peeps, and maybe even a good bottle of wine.

Slacker

Today's blog entry was going to be a picture filled final wave to my vacation in Anguilla. Obviously my mad procrastination skillz have taken over and there are no fabulous pictures with pithy comments*cough* gracing these here pages. I have a really good excuse. No, really I do! Last night when I was supposed to be creating away I was doing this:



It's the last book, and Im into the last chapters, and OH MY AUNT EDNA'S ASS I couldn't put it down! But it was soo intense I had to put it down- several times in fact- and walk around the house pretending I was done reading for the night- going to write- Yeah, that's it, Im going to write. But no, I have to find out what happens!(Yes I talk to myself just like this, and yes, I do need to get a life)

I still don't know what happens (Shhh! Don't tell me!). I read until 11:30 and could very well have kept on going until I finished the book, but I made a promise to myself to get enough sleep this week as part of the Healthy You Challenge(dammit!). So I closed the book as our heroic trio was making their way to confront you- know-who in the Shrieking Shack and went to bed.

So there you have it, my secret slacker shame, but to paraphrase the words of perhaps the most famous procrastinator in literary history

" I won't think about that right now. I'll think about that tommorrow. Afterall, tomorrow is another day".

Now where did I put that book.......

Healthy You Check In - I Need a Mulligan

I don't play golf, but working in a cube farm where everyone and his brother does allows you to pick up a few terms here and there. A Mulligan is one of them. It means a do over, and that's exactly what I need. Last week, my first week in the challenge was less than stellar. It's odd, and so very me, that the minute I announce to anyone any kind of weight loss goal, diet plan, exercise plan, whatever, I immediately set out to sabatoge myself. Does anyone else do out here do this?

Anyway, last week, uuugh. I got on the scale this morning and - yep - gained 2.5 lbs. I'd like to say I have no idea how this happened, but Id be lying. Last week I ate like I was going to the chair. And to add insult to injury, only went to the gym once. Exercise, at least for me, is my biggest challenge. I hate going to the gym- hate it. Everyday I pack my bag, make sure my iPod is charged, and head out to work with the best intentions of going to work out at lunch. Unfortunately by lunch time Iv'e either procrastinated my way out of it ("I'll go tomorrow") or someone has asked me to go to lunch (more calories!) and I hate to pass up the chance to get away and be social. Im going to have to work on this.

On the bright side, even while throwing food at my face, I was playing the casual observer to my bad habits, and was making mental notes on things I can do to change the current backslide. Here's what I want to work on this week:

Water - I don't drink nearly enough, and have recently gotten back in the bad habit of drinking sodas. So, for this week(to start), no more coke. and up the water to 6-8 glasses per day ( Im on glass #2 for today.. I better get drinking).

Sleep - I don't get nearly enough sleep each night. Im somewhat of a night owl, and consider it a victory if I can get to bed by midnight (I have to get up at 6:30), but more times than not, I don't get to bed until 12:30. That just isn't enough sleep, and the next day Im tired, lathargic, and it probably is a direct contributor to my lack of motivation on the exercise front. Plus I read somewhere that a lack of sleep does wonky things to your metabolism. So... in bed this week by 11:30 at the latest.

Exercise - I know, I know, I know, I have to find something or some way to consistantly incorporate movement into my day. Maybe this week I can at least make it to the gym 3 times. That's better than nothing, and continue to try to find other activities I might enjoy more. Like a root canal (just kindding, sort of).

Yes, there is plenty more I could list out and try to tackle, but I think for this week three is good. Next week I'll re-evaluate and see if I can add more. I hope everyone has a great week, and thanks for all the support! It's nice to know we're all in this struggle together.

We interrupt our previously scheduled post.....

When I started this blog back in November one of my primary goals was to focus a fair portion of my writing on my desire to get healthy and loose weight; to write about the struggles, learning experiences and small victories along the way. I have blogged here and there about it, but have not given it the attention I intended to in the beginning. This is largely due to the fact that I've found writing about my weight, and all that it entails, feels alot like standing in a crowded room. Nekkid. With no clothes on. And everyone is waiting for the monologue I was supposed to have memorized but left in my jeans pocket - which I don't have - because I'm Nekkid. So, Ive written about other things, or, as my blog entry numbers will tell you, not at all.

This, I hope, is about to change. I will still be writing about other stuff, you know, Life the Universe, and Everything, but also more of the weight stuff. My trip to Anguilla, while a lot of fun, was sort of an eye opening experience. I kept having this nagging feeling that "this could be so much better if...". Coming back to my empty little house in the middle of a cold January night was also kind of a jolt. A kick in the rubber parts, so to speak, to try to get my body in shape and my personal life in gear.

Ive been reading a lot of blogs lately by fascinating, strong, wonderful women who are all facing the same challenges I am. Some have more to lose than I do, some have less, some have already made it, some are well under way, but all of them have wisdom and support to impart in their stories. One such woman, Diana, over at Scale Junkie, started a "Healthy You Challenge" for 2008. You get to decide what your definition of healthy is, and how to get there. The idea being that everyone who joins takes on the challenge of becoming healthier this year, and by joining you get the added bonus of the support of all these other women.

So, Ive joined. And each Tuesday I'll be blogging about my progress, or lack there of. See my nifty button over there? I'm rather pleased about it. So, anyhoo - here goes nothing, or everything, depending on how you look at it.