It's a Little Early for The Valentines Day Masacree

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings


It's beautiful isn't it? ee cummings is one of my favorite poets, and this is one of my favorite poems. When someone asks "what do you want out of life?", it's not money, or fame or success that comes to mind(though those things would be nice). What I crave above all other things is that poem. I want to feel that way about someone, and have someone feel that way about me. Those who have found it I envy with a dark slimy green intensity that sometimes catches me off guard.

Some would say it's a fairy tale, that there's no such thing as that kind of devotion, but for as long as I can remember I have believed that I was destined to find that one great love. Even now, at my age, and being so very very *sigh* very single, I still buy the "happily ever after" bit. Maybe I'm being naive.

Naive? Okay, I'll admit it, but I'm also afraid. In my deepest darkest most secret place, I'm afraid I'll never find it. What if there is something intrinsically wrong with me, and I'm simply not capable of being open enough to let someone in? What if, deep down inside, I know this and I'm using weight as the ultimate weapon for shutting people (men) out? How does one go about unravelling something like that? How does that naivete and that fear manage to coexist?

My head hurts.

This was going to be a quiet little post about a beloved piece of poetry, but obviously I've digressed into a swirling pit of poo. So sorry Mr. Cummings. I'll hold my naivete close for now, and quit while I'm ahead before I start ripping the wings off of the Tooth Fairy.

Yep, She's at it Again

Maybe it's because its Spring and I've put away all my bulky invisibility sweaters (oh, how I miss them). Maybe its because I went clothes shopping this past weekend, and nothing fit well. Or maybe its because I weigh more right now than I ever have in my entire life-for-ever-and-ever-amen. The reality of that statement would normally send me down into the dark dank mold infested basement of depression, and I'm trying really hard not to go there this time, but I have to admit I'm standing at the top of the stairs as we speak.

So I joined Weight Watchers. Again; and if the number of times I've joined and quit were eggs, you could make a shit load of omelets with them. I'll admit my attitude regarding this program has never been stellar. For one thing, I think it feeds my tendency to obsess about food, and I have issues with their reliance on processed foods and artificial sweeteners. I also tended to go into meetings with a major chip on my shoulder, finding criticism in every well intentioned "so how did you do this week?", convinced I was surrounded by over zealous uber dieters looking to bolster their success by my failure. Paranoid much?

What's changed? Funny you should ask. I think my attitude has changed a little. I was sitting in that room, listening to all those women (and more than a few men) share their little victories as well as their lost battles,and each one of them was supported equally. I had an epiphany, right there in my uncomfortable folding chair. I thought to myself "self, maybe you're the critical over zealous uber dieter looking to bolster your failures by belittling other's successes." That's a hard thing to admit to yourself.Oh, and the terrifying number on the scale(which I know I shouldn't be focusing on, but I can't help it) has also provided a renewed sense of urgency to get off my ass and do something. Anything, for cripes sake!

I still have trepidations about being on WW again. I get so hyper focused on food, I worry that it will just feed into the whole compulsive eater's mindset, and I will end up quitting with a vengeance. I'm going to try a few things this time around to alleviate some of that. One of which is to have a day during the week where I just don't think about it at all. I'm not going to call it a cheat day, because I don't like the inference that I'm doing something "bad". I'm also going to refrain from talking about dieting and points and serving sizes ad nauseum both in real life and here. I have a tendency, once I've talked something up, to lose interest quickly and passive aggressively begin to sabotage myself. I recognize that is a completely adolescent reaction put in place by years of forced dieting, but that seems to be the way I roll. As for eating all that processed food and artificially sweetened crap,at least there I can make other choices.

I'm guardedly optimistic this go' round. I know getting healthy is something I have to do,so I will just take it slowly and be willing to give myself a break if I'm not perfection 100% of the time. Maybe this time I can avoid the dank dark basement, I so don't want to go there, there are big ass bugs down there.

I feel like an alcoholic giving up booze, and maybe that is actually what I am. Some sort of hopped up food junkie who has to join a 12 step program to kick her habit.

Hey man, know where I can score a candy bar? (Kidding..... sort of).

Facing the Music (the healthy you challenge check in)

Here's a little peek into my psyche. You know I've had a bad week if my check in post is absurdly late, almost to the point of being nonexistent(believe me, I did have more than a few thoughts of just not posting at all). I got on the scale this morning and it wasn't good. At all. I'm not going to post the ugly details because, quite frankly, I find that counter productive. A bad morning on the scale can undermine me for weeks to come. It can toss me into a pit of self pity and self loathing so deep that all I want to do is binge. So we won't go there.

I spent the day trying to organize my thoughts about this post, or more to the point, my thoughts on what factors could have contributed to the temporary demise of my losing streak. I still feel very positive about my decision to give up meat, but I do think it needs some tweaking. A dear friend of mine, and one time vegetarian herself, cautioned me about overdoing the dairy. Evidently it's a rookie mistake, and one, on further inspection, I have totally run with. I also realized that while I have definitely increased my fruit and veggie intake, I have also exponentially increased my carb intake in the form of pasta and rice. Ooops. Note to self. Pay closer attention to carbs and dairy. Thanks Cindy!

And if we're being completely honest here, I have to talk about the big ass pink elephant in the room. It's an ugly one. It's the E word. Just saying "exercise" makes me want to curl up on the couch and veg. I really have to find a way to change my crappy attitude.

Where did this aversion to exercise come from? Funny you should ask. I like to call it "Walk Nazi Backlash". I affectionately call my mother The Walk Nazi. She loves to walk, and thinks everyone should love to walk. When I was a teenager, and we were in the throes of our own brand of mother/daughter angst, her panacea for all my ills was to walk. During my Jr. year in high school we lived at the end of a 1.2 mile dirt road. I had to walk that road every day after school. Up and back, as "exercise". It was an expected chore, that and cleaning the kitchen after dinner. My father liked to get in on the fun by prescribing loooong Saturdays of indentured servitude doing yard work all under the guise of "exercise". Yeah right.

Of course they had my best interest at heart, and seriously, how bad can a walk up a dirt road in the middle of a beautiful farm be? And the yard work? Well, that sucked, but who didn't have to do chores to earn an allowance? Unfortunately I processed the whole thing as being all about poor picked on me. I was being singled out, suppressed, and put upon all due to my blooming weight problem. I haven't really gotten past the "exercise-is-a-big-bad-ugly-chore-set-upon-this-earth-to-vex and torture me" thing. Mature huh? Maybe its time to move on. But how to do that, well there's the rub. All I can do at this point is take it in little tiny baby steps. I've promised myself to go to the gym three times this week (we won't discuss the fact that I haven't gone yet). That's it. That's as far ahead as I'm thinking.

So, there you have it, my less than stellar week. I just have to keep in mind that in the grand scheme of things, it means very little, and I need to keep my perspective. If I can take something positive from it and apply it to my pursuit of a healthy life style, then all is not lost.

Healthy Challenge Check In - The fine art of procrastination

Obviously I have more than mastered the art of procrastination. If you could unhinge my skull and take a peek inside you would see a beautifully organized (by category) list of rationalizations I like to pull out to assuage my internal guilt monkey for all the things in life, both big and small, I like to put off. Oh, like say for example, writing this update.

There really is no valid reason to put off this post. It's not bad news at all, in fact it's rather good news, but still, here I am, checking in a day late. In fact, I have put off writing anything at all for over a week, and that is yet another study in procrastination and ambivalence I could easily ramble on about for at least three or four paragraphs. I think I'll save that for another time. (See, there it is again!)

Where was I? Oh yes, on to the check in. I got on the scales Tuesday morning - I should stop here and mention that I was seriously considering not weighing myself at all this week, since last week was spent completely ignoring all things weight related - and what do you know? I lost 2 lbs. don’t ask me how, I couldn't tell you, but I'll take it. Maybe not obsessing over every little thing I put in my mouth had something to do with my success. Maybe obsessing about food, regardless of whether I’m compulsively eating or compulsively worrying about eating, is a big part of my problem. I've posted before about my feelings on dieting., but I don't think I have completely rid myself of the dieter's mind set.

There is this wonderful theory now becoming popular that explores the idea of conscious eating instead of dieting. The basic premise is that we as children or young adults, for whatever reason, have lost the ability to self regulate our hunger. We no longer recognize physical hunger cues and eat for emotional reasons, and even more disastrous, we have lost our ability to recognize being satisfied without moving into the "oh my god I want to puke" zone. The trick is to slow down, listen to your body, eat when you are physically hungry, and stop when you are physically full. Obviously that is an overly simplified statement, and much more goes into that process than "just do this and all your issues will be gone". I've read several books by Geneen Roth, and what she has to say made a lot of sense to me, and if you are so inclined, I highly recommend them.

Where is this ramble going? I hardly know myself, but I have been feeling distinctly fraudulent the last couple of weeks as I read everyone’s plans, and points, calories tallied, and lbs lost because I had no such plan, nor was I that jazzed about finding one. So my challenge to myself is not to pick a plan and stick with it, but to slow down enough to listen to my body, feed it what it desires, and stop when I am satiated. Ok, so at least try to do these things. Who knows, maybe I will learn something about myself along the way.

Healthy You Challenge Check In: Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

I suppose that's a good thing considering the previous week's gain of 2.5 lbs. I really can't complain(especially after this weekend's potato chip masacree - and oh was it good!), but Im going to anyway.

Motivation on all fronts is non-existent. Maybe it's the time of the year. Maybe Im supposed to be hibernating dammit, not trying to get my butt to the gym! Maybe it's because aunt flo came today so last week I was pms'ing and needed the French onion dip to go along with those chips. Maybe it's because this Thursday is the day I love to hate, and Im feeling sorry for myself as only a singleton can. Or maybe(it's the word of the day)my attitude is for shite and I need to snap out of it. However you look at it, I'll take my nothing gained and count myself lucky.

It wasn't all bad this last week though. I did get more sleep (thank gawd! Can you imagine the tone of this post if I was sleep deprived as well??? I shudder to think). I also managed to up my water intake each day to the recommended 6-8 glasses. So there. Not a total wash.

I don't feel all that great going into this week either (what with VD and all that), but rather than pout and quite possibly binge in a haze of self loathing, Im going to try to be a little kinder to myself, take the pressure off a little, and just try to maintain some state of zen. For just this week Im not going to focus on how many days I do or don't get to the gym, or if that piece of chocolate I just ate makes me evil incarnate; for this week Im going to pamper myself with yummy smelling soaps, romantic comedies staring John Cusack, hanging out with my peeps, and maybe even a good bottle of wine.

Healthy You Check In - I Need a Mulligan

I don't play golf, but working in a cube farm where everyone and his brother does allows you to pick up a few terms here and there. A Mulligan is one of them. It means a do over, and that's exactly what I need. Last week, my first week in the challenge was less than stellar. It's odd, and so very me, that the minute I announce to anyone any kind of weight loss goal, diet plan, exercise plan, whatever, I immediately set out to sabatoge myself. Does anyone else do out here do this?

Anyway, last week, uuugh. I got on the scale this morning and - yep - gained 2.5 lbs. I'd like to say I have no idea how this happened, but Id be lying. Last week I ate like I was going to the chair. And to add insult to injury, only went to the gym once. Exercise, at least for me, is my biggest challenge. I hate going to the gym- hate it. Everyday I pack my bag, make sure my iPod is charged, and head out to work with the best intentions of going to work out at lunch. Unfortunately by lunch time Iv'e either procrastinated my way out of it ("I'll go tomorrow") or someone has asked me to go to lunch (more calories!) and I hate to pass up the chance to get away and be social. Im going to have to work on this.

On the bright side, even while throwing food at my face, I was playing the casual observer to my bad habits, and was making mental notes on things I can do to change the current backslide. Here's what I want to work on this week:

Water - I don't drink nearly enough, and have recently gotten back in the bad habit of drinking sodas. So, for this week(to start), no more coke. and up the water to 6-8 glasses per day ( Im on glass #2 for today.. I better get drinking).

Sleep - I don't get nearly enough sleep each night. Im somewhat of a night owl, and consider it a victory if I can get to bed by midnight (I have to get up at 6:30), but more times than not, I don't get to bed until 12:30. That just isn't enough sleep, and the next day Im tired, lathargic, and it probably is a direct contributor to my lack of motivation on the exercise front. Plus I read somewhere that a lack of sleep does wonky things to your metabolism. So... in bed this week by 11:30 at the latest.

Exercise - I know, I know, I know, I have to find something or some way to consistantly incorporate movement into my day. Maybe this week I can at least make it to the gym 3 times. That's better than nothing, and continue to try to find other activities I might enjoy more. Like a root canal (just kindding, sort of).

Yes, there is plenty more I could list out and try to tackle, but I think for this week three is good. Next week I'll re-evaluate and see if I can add more. I hope everyone has a great week, and thanks for all the support! It's nice to know we're all in this struggle together.

We interrupt our previously scheduled post.....

When I started this blog back in November one of my primary goals was to focus a fair portion of my writing on my desire to get healthy and loose weight; to write about the struggles, learning experiences and small victories along the way. I have blogged here and there about it, but have not given it the attention I intended to in the beginning. This is largely due to the fact that I've found writing about my weight, and all that it entails, feels alot like standing in a crowded room. Nekkid. With no clothes on. And everyone is waiting for the monologue I was supposed to have memorized but left in my jeans pocket - which I don't have - because I'm Nekkid. So, Ive written about other things, or, as my blog entry numbers will tell you, not at all.

This, I hope, is about to change. I will still be writing about other stuff, you know, Life the Universe, and Everything, but also more of the weight stuff. My trip to Anguilla, while a lot of fun, was sort of an eye opening experience. I kept having this nagging feeling that "this could be so much better if...". Coming back to my empty little house in the middle of a cold January night was also kind of a jolt. A kick in the rubber parts, so to speak, to try to get my body in shape and my personal life in gear.

Ive been reading a lot of blogs lately by fascinating, strong, wonderful women who are all facing the same challenges I am. Some have more to lose than I do, some have less, some have already made it, some are well under way, but all of them have wisdom and support to impart in their stories. One such woman, Diana, over at Scale Junkie, started a "Healthy You Challenge" for 2008. You get to decide what your definition of healthy is, and how to get there. The idea being that everyone who joins takes on the challenge of becoming healthier this year, and by joining you get the added bonus of the support of all these other women.

So, Ive joined. And each Tuesday I'll be blogging about my progress, or lack there of. See my nifty button over there? I'm rather pleased about it. So, anyhoo - here goes nothing, or everything, depending on how you look at it.

Crazy is as Crazy does

This is going to make me sound, at best, like a total ingrate, and at the worst, barking mad, but it's where my head is none the less. Next week - to the day- I'm hopping a plane and heading down to a small Caribbean island for a week of sun and rum with my parents and another family we have known my entire life. This was my parent's Christmas/40th birthday gift to me, an all expense paid week at a beautiful villa on the small but stunning Caribbean island of Anguilla.

What's the problem you ask? Well, here's where my particular brand of crazy comes into it - I'm totally stressed out about it. For one thing, I hate to fly. I think I would rather undergo a root canal than step foot on a giant metal tampon with wings and trust some random yabo not to plunge me to an early death. Seriously, I only fly if armed with mighty Xanax (which I have) and equally mighty pre-flight cocktails(who cares if it's 7am, I'm having a panic attack dammit!).

But that is only a part of where my anxiety stems. If I'm totally honest with myself, and with you dear reader, and look deep in my darkest heart of hearts, the biggest portion of my stress comes from worrying about my weight. There, I said it. I'm letting my fat girl fears color every aspect of what should be a fabulous adventure, and that makes me very sad(and more than a little ashamed of myself to boot).

I worry about getting my fat ass on the plane and if I will fit into those ridiculously small seats (don't even get me started on the seat belts), I worry about laying around in a bathing suit with "the skinny girls", I worry about the countless land mines that will crop up, from snorkeling to embarrassing moments of big girl meets small space, and I worry about the unavoidable run ins with well meaning natives (strangers, mind you) who try to make you feel better by pointing out what you want so desperately to ignore and then discuss it at length while you look for the nearest exit. And yes, I've had plenty of time to remedy some of this by trying to lose weight and get in shape before I had to leave, but we all know how time and procrastination get the best of us. It pisses me off none the less.

So there you have it, my own private Idaho laid bare. I'm certainly not proud of any of it, and I will do my best to get myself in a better place before I leave, but Ive been having a hard time doing anything more than obsessing over all of this for the last several weeks. It's insane, I know. This charming little character flaw of mine to focus on the bad, so much so that I ruin the joy of anticipation, is something I truly hate about myself, and know I have to work to change. I also know, that once I'm back, I will be writing about how much fun I had, how beautiful it was, and posting amazing pictures of views and beaches and sparkling water. I know this, I always do this before any kind of trip. It's ridiculous really. One would think I would learn and actually do something about my weight sooner than later. One would think.

Squirrely Girl - The Anatomy of a Binge(averted).

8:30PM - Saturday Night. Returned from a wonderful dinner over at Casa de Toy, feeling comfortably full, ready for a quiet evening at home. Curled up with Harry Potter book.

8:50PM - It's quiet in here, too quiet.

9:00PM - Made a cup of tea, placed last three peppermint patty cookies(no sin greater) on a pretty plate and consciously enjoyed my dessert.

9:14PM - Returned to Harry Potter feeling smug and superior for my planned eating and control. Yay me.

9:25PM - No longer feeling smug and superior, feeling restless and agitated. In the back of my mind I know whats coming. Mixed feelings of dread, anticipation, anger, and acquiescence.

9:30PM - Close book, wander into kitchen to peruse contents of cabinets - Pretzels, oatmeal, canned tomatoes, black beans, Kashi bars? No. Staring blankly into the fridge, hmmmm cheese, cold cuts, olives, bread? Cheese toast! Pull half the items out. Stop, throw them all back in, take a deep breath, close the door and give myself a firm but kind pep talk about not being hungry, emotional eating, blah blah blah. Sent myself outside to get some air.

9:44PM - Back inside. Freaked myself out listening to random feral kitties make axe murderer noises in my backyard.

9:45PM - Walk past fridge, open it, close it, open it again. Close it again. Shit.

9:50PM - Sit down at the computer to write a blog entry. Perhaps of version of this very blog entry. Blank blog page gives me the finger. Play a game of online scrabble (OK 3 games).

10:50PM - Ass is asleep. Get up and wander around the house. Well, what do you know? I'm back in the freekin' kitchen again, standing in font of the cabinet. All still there. Open fridge. Nope, no changes in there either. *sigh* Give myself a stern "what the hell are you doing?" talking to and head back into the den.

11:00PM - Turn on the TV. Surf through all 77 channels of crap (4 or 5 times).

11:30PM - Ah! SNL. All is well.... until the damned fast food commercial. Are you f*#!ing kidding me!???

11:45PM - Standing in the kitchen again (there's a shock). Open and close both the cabinet and the fridge again (You have to keep an eye on those suckers, don't ya know).

11:50PM - Pick up my knitting in a last ditch effort to keep my hands and my head busy. SNL in the background. *Knit 1 Purl 2 Knit 1 Purl 2 just keep knitting, just keep knitting, knitting knitting...*

1:00AM - Sleep comes at last. This battle won. Countless more to fight.

It's called a list, Dear.

The encroaching holiday season is kicking into high gear, and so are my ADD tendencies. Evidently I‘m not the only one who’s feeling the burn either; my father said these exact words to me last night on the phone.

“I think I have a mental illness – I have all this shit piling up on my desk at the office, and I can’t focus on any of it. All I can think about is that Pink Floyd line ‘there’s someone in my head, but it’s not me.’”

You just gotta love Ol’ Bill.

I know how he feels though, I’m scattered to the four winds these days and it’s wrecking havoc on my diet skilz (and for the record, they aren't that great to begin with). So, I took a moment today during my lunch hour to calm my ass down, breathe a deep breath and (what else) make a list. I was inspired, of course, by She Who Tap Dances, who made a couple of lists of her own last night. Here's what I came up with to help keep the sanity.

2007 Holiday Season Survival Guide
• Sleep – in bed dearie, every school night by 11. I'm far less likely to eat Satan’s breakfast (a bacon egg and cheese biscuit) if I haven’t overslept.

• Water – 6-8 glasses a day, minimum. Gonna flush my worries down the drain.

• Portion Control – What? You mean ½ bag of Oreos isn’t a serving size? WTF?

• Exercise 3 to 4 times a week – Shit. (Yea, yeah, I know – but I HATE it.)

• No late night snackage – No no no no! Bad Bea! Bad!

• In case of emergency break glass. – Or pop cork. Either way, I know it’s not the most well adjusted way to deal with family/holiday stress, but a girl’s gotta have a secret weapon stashed away somewhere.

As for all the other holiday lists? I will write them, post them on the fridge, and ultimately ignore them. Let's hope this first one sticks.

Whine and Cheese

I read an interesting article over at Oprha.com (working real hard!) about venting and/or complaining continually about things you find unacceptable. Whether it be work, a troublesome friend or spouse, or *cough* weight, this article has some thought provoking ideas.

Basically it said that contrary to popular belief, venting about a situation is not as healthy as one might think. It basically allows you to release just enough emotional pressure to keep you in whatever situation is causing you stress, but does not actually effect change.

Wow. Kind of a simplistic concept, but it makes some sense, and I’ve honestly never thought about it that way. I feel like I do nothing these days except complain about what’s not right in my life, particularly my weight. Is this constant release of “steam” keeping me just comfortable enough to keep things status quo? Not that I would call my weight comfortable, but it’s safe.

This article challenges the reader to go on a “venting fast” for a predetermined amount of time, and see if that energy can be channeled and used the impetus for personal growth and change. There are rules, of course, and evidently a step not to be taken lightly. The article warns of the possibility for all that unreleased steam to expand and eventually explode. Who knows who could get wiped out in the storm? The rules involve a lot of journaling (hmmm, would blog entries count?), and finding at least one productive way to overcome whatever that day’s frustration was.

This all got me thinking about what I’ve been doing about my weight and my life for the past, oh I don’t know, DECADE or so, and the sad answer to that is – nothing. But man do I complain about it. A lot. It’s almost embarrassing. I’ve been whining about my job, my weight, my status as a singleton, my house, my parents, and my oh my how I do go on. And nothing has changed, in fact, in a few areas, things have gotten alarmingly worse.

Serious food for thought, and not a moment too soon, as today’s blog was going to be yet another spectacular whine about this weekend’s binges and the feelings of guilt and self loathing it produced. Perhaps it’s time for a paradigm shift.

If you want to read the entire article you can, here.

Neurosis, thy name is Bea.

Historically speaking, my weight has been a bone of contention in my family since I started sprouting breasts. I wasn't overweight at that point but that changed over time. There have been lectures, ultimatums, pleading, bargaining, bribes, and threats. Each round left me feeling emotionally wrecked. I took their concern and worry and interpreted it as judgement and conditional love. I looked for comfort and control in food. DUH! I was a teenager, teenagers do the exact opposite of what their parents want. So, eating was like flipping my parents a tasty bird.

So,when two days after Thanksgiving,your mother starts a conversation with "I'm only going to bring this up once, and then I'll never speak of it again, but I want you to listen"...RUN!Or at least grab a bottle of wine,because you're going to need it.

In a nut shell- she wants me to consider "that lap band operation" because she doesn't think anything else will work, "you've tried everything", and she thinks I'm ignoring the problem....[blink].... [blink] WTF???

My knee jerk reaction was to get angry, hurt, and revert back to my not so healthy habit of flipping the bird. But I'm an adult now, sort of(there was an unfortunate incident with a bacon egg and cheese biscuit this morning), and can recognize that my mother is truly worried about my health, happiness, and general well being. She is handling it the only way any good Irish/Italian mother would - worry, research, then tell you what you should do(oh, and don't think she didn't through in a little guilt- she's a professional!).

So, back to going under the knife. How do I feel about going under the knife? I don't know, seems a little drastic to me, and kind of like using a band aid to cover a gun shot wound. If you take away the physical ability to binge eat, or over eat, or eat period ,really, what happens with the underlying bag of crap that got you here in the first place? Does that go away? I don't think so. How is that little ol bugaboo going to resurface? With an even more destructive compulsion? Therapy, yes, that would have to come with it, but that takes time. You've ripped away all your coping mechanisms (as unhealthy as they were), without giving yourself time to safeguard yourself with new ones. I don't know, that scares the shit out of me.

And maybe this is all one big rationalization because I don't want to entirely give up my security blanket.

Fuck! I want to be able to do this on my own, without invasive surgery, without obsessing over every bite of food I put in my freekin' mouth! This is really starting to PISS ME OFF!!!! Why is this so god damned hard for me! What if I can't do this? What then???? Christ, maybe I do need therapy.

Trifecta of Crap

- Getting on the scales this morning - nothing has changed. Realize I haven't really worked that hard on "dieting" so all the workouts in hell have been for naught. Neat.

- Driving to work in wicked bad traffic amidst the SUV zombies yapping on their cell phones and doing their make-up (sometimes both. I kid you not!). Obsessing about what the scales didn't show, feeling ugly, resentful, mean and spectacularly sorry for myself.

- Sitting at my desk this morning just trying to deal when all four of the mysoginistic, neanderthal men I work with get up en mass and oogle out the window at some poor woman walking to her car. They procede to snort and gafaw about how "thick" she is. That "yeah, her legs are thin enough, but then she gets really big". They laugh as she gets in the car and the car shifts with her. I sat there mute, mortified, blinking back tears of shame, embarassment and anger. Hello! Im right here, your "thick" co-worker - mother fuckers!

As I stuffed my ear buds in and turned up the music to try to tune them out I my anger turned inward.
Me - you should say something, stand up for her, for yourself!
Myself - but Im all alone, they're going to turn on me.
Me - Coward!

I feel like a booger dangling from the nose hairs of life..... GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Diet is a Four Letter Word

I have been on some sort of diet since I was 14. More to the point, I have been not sticking to one diet or another since I was 14.

The first one was the Scarsdale Diet. Does anyone remember that one? You basically starve yourself on 1000 calories a day but still can't bring yourself to choke down your yummy nekkid tuna and Melba toast lunch. Imagine what that does to teenager's metabolism.

The others that followed were all variations of counting calories, or food combinations, or pills and powders. All of them worked for a short period of time, then didn't, because quite frankly who could last under all that pressure. Now we have things like Adkins. Hello!? What did fruits and veggies ever do to this guy? And Weight Watchers which, to be fair, is at least sensible, but Ive been through those doors at least 4 times in the last 4 years with varied success and if I have to count or weigh or measure one more thing I will go barking mad. Besides,their fascination with fat free dairy (which tastes like dammit), and artificial sweeteners (which literally rot your brain),has me more that a little disenchanted.

I'm not knocking any of these diets, if that's what works for you, but for me, the moment someone tells me what to eat, what not to eat, or how to eat, I immediately revert back to that 14 year old girl who was continually straining against a father who used food to both nurture and control, and a mother who, I now suspect, had her own issues with body image and food.

So here I sit, trying to figure out what is going to work for me once and for all, and quite frankly I am at a loss. Though I can pretty much asume that last night's Leftover Halloween Candy Masacree(complete with three part harmony)is not the way to go, but that's a post for another time. All I can think to do is get off my ass and exercise(yuck),eat as healthy as possible, stay as sane as possible, and as for the rest, well, that remains to be seen.