Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Crazy is as Crazy does

This is going to make me sound, at best, like a total ingrate, and at the worst, barking mad, but it's where my head is none the less. Next week - to the day- I'm hopping a plane and heading down to a small Caribbean island for a week of sun and rum with my parents and another family we have known my entire life. This was my parent's Christmas/40th birthday gift to me, an all expense paid week at a beautiful villa on the small but stunning Caribbean island of Anguilla.

What's the problem you ask? Well, here's where my particular brand of crazy comes into it - I'm totally stressed out about it. For one thing, I hate to fly. I think I would rather undergo a root canal than step foot on a giant metal tampon with wings and trust some random yabo not to plunge me to an early death. Seriously, I only fly if armed with mighty Xanax (which I have) and equally mighty pre-flight cocktails(who cares if it's 7am, I'm having a panic attack dammit!).

But that is only a part of where my anxiety stems. If I'm totally honest with myself, and with you dear reader, and look deep in my darkest heart of hearts, the biggest portion of my stress comes from worrying about my weight. There, I said it. I'm letting my fat girl fears color every aspect of what should be a fabulous adventure, and that makes me very sad(and more than a little ashamed of myself to boot).

I worry about getting my fat ass on the plane and if I will fit into those ridiculously small seats (don't even get me started on the seat belts), I worry about laying around in a bathing suit with "the skinny girls", I worry about the countless land mines that will crop up, from snorkeling to embarrassing moments of big girl meets small space, and I worry about the unavoidable run ins with well meaning natives (strangers, mind you) who try to make you feel better by pointing out what you want so desperately to ignore and then discuss it at length while you look for the nearest exit. And yes, I've had plenty of time to remedy some of this by trying to lose weight and get in shape before I had to leave, but we all know how time and procrastination get the best of us. It pisses me off none the less.

So there you have it, my own private Idaho laid bare. I'm certainly not proud of any of it, and I will do my best to get myself in a better place before I leave, but Ive been having a hard time doing anything more than obsessing over all of this for the last several weeks. It's insane, I know. This charming little character flaw of mine to focus on the bad, so much so that I ruin the joy of anticipation, is something I truly hate about myself, and know I have to work to change. I also know, that once I'm back, I will be writing about how much fun I had, how beautiful it was, and posting amazing pictures of views and beaches and sparkling water. I know this, I always do this before any kind of trip. It's ridiculous really. One would think I would learn and actually do something about my weight sooner than later. One would think.


flutter said...

Chanda? meet flutter, you live in her brain.

Here is the thing, girl. You are a beauty who people want to spend time with.

Also? get a sedative for the plane, I know about those small seats they are (literally) an asspain. but babe, people much larger than you travel frequently and without incident.

This is life, let's live it, yes?

Suz said...

I did the same thing before FL.
halfway through the first hour in the pool I forgot about my fatness.
You will too. ~hugs~
Did I mention that I am green right now. I want to come with you.

Melanie said...

First I will say that as far as the "before-flight-7am-drink" goes - it's 5 o'clock somewhere! I'd have a drink and dare anyone to look at me sideways!

I can totally relate to the fat girl meets small world issues. I have faced those same fears too many times to count. I wish I could say that I just gave the world the bird and had a fabulous time, but sadly, I didn't. I fretted just as much as you are and you're right - in the end I always have had a good time and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. But damn, the days and hours leading up to a vacation (especially one on a beach!) are brutal!

The two words I'll leave you with are.... just breathe.

we_be_toys said...

"They'll just keep calling....I'll go, I'll go, I'll GO!"

Its going to be fabulous, and having gotten it off your chesticles, your suitcase of crazy will be that much lighter - maybe even just a carry-on?

Cynthia said...

I think a pre trip case of crazies is de rigour, or at least in my experience, so don't beat yourself up about it...hey knowing that you will come back having had a fabulous time is a huge step toward sanity! ...and I also am TOTALLY green with envy!

Cathy said...

One of my girlfriends is so terrified of flying that, for years, she left lengthy goodbye letters in the event of her death.

She turned to cocktails and then, eventually, Xanax.

Having flown with her and exited the plane with claw marks on my arm, I highly recommend you take the magic beans!