This is going to make me sound, at best, like a total ingrate, and at the worst, barking mad, but it's where my head is none the less. Next week - to the day- I'm hopping a plane and heading down to a small Caribbean island for a week of sun and rum with my parents and another family we have known my entire life. This was my parent's Christmas/40th birthday gift to me, an all expense paid week at a beautiful villa on the small but stunning Caribbean island of Anguilla.
What's the problem you ask? Well, here's where my particular brand of crazy comes into it - I'm totally stressed out about it. For one thing, I hate to fly. I think I would rather undergo a root canal than step foot on a giant metal tampon with wings and trust some random yabo not to plunge me to an early death. Seriously, I only fly if armed with mighty Xanax (which I have) and equally mighty pre-flight cocktails(who cares if it's 7am, I'm having a panic attack dammit!).
But that is only a part of where my anxiety stems. If I'm totally honest with myself, and with you dear reader, and look deep in my darkest heart of hearts, the biggest portion of my stress comes from worrying about my weight. There, I said it. I'm letting my fat girl fears color every aspect of what should be a fabulous adventure, and that makes me very sad(and more than a little ashamed of myself to boot).
I worry about getting my fat ass on the plane and if I will fit into those ridiculously small seats (don't even get me started on the seat belts), I worry about laying around in a bathing suit with "the skinny girls", I worry about the countless land mines that will crop up, from snorkeling to embarrassing moments of big girl meets small space, and I worry about the unavoidable run ins with well meaning natives (strangers, mind you) who try to make you feel better by pointing out what you want so desperately to ignore and then discuss it at length while you look for the nearest exit. And yes, I've had plenty of time to remedy some of this by trying to lose weight and get in shape before I had to leave, but we all know how time and procrastination get the best of us. It pisses me off none the less.
So there you have it, my own private Idaho laid bare. I'm certainly not proud of any of it, and I will do my best to get myself in a better place before I leave, but Ive been having a hard time doing anything more than obsessing over all of this for the last several weeks. It's insane, I know. This charming little character flaw of mine to focus on the bad, so much so that I ruin the joy of anticipation, is something I truly hate about myself, and know I have to work to change. I also know, that once I'm back, I will be writing about how much fun I had, how beautiful it was, and posting amazing pictures of views and beaches and sparkling water. I know this, I always do this before any kind of trip. It's ridiculous really. One would think I would learn and actually do something about my weight sooner than later. One would think.