Ow, Ow, Fuckity, Ow! - Juno

Months of inactivity. Countless.
Minutes on the cross trainer. 30
Number of old men with gas working out next to you. 1
Number of Calories burned. 450
Maintained heart rate. 144

Tripping over your shoe laces on the way back to the locker room and landing flat on your face? Priceless.

A Christmas Ditty

Twas the fortnight before Christmas and all through Home Depot
Not a white light was twinkling,they'd been bought by the people.

I stood there, face hung, in disbelief and despair,
surely just one, one little set was left there.

I'd gotten there early, pulled myself out of bed,
as visions of Christmas lights danced in my head.

So I in my sweat pants and teeth barely brushed,
Just popped down the road to run errands and such.
Now standing in front of displays oh so bare,
"You'll have to drive further", the clerk said with no care.

Away to the suburbs I flew like a flash.
Parked in the nose bleeds, and inside at a dash.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
No white lights up front. Nay! None in the rear.

As I threw up my hands, ready to leave in a huff
Down the isle a sales rep came shuffling , no rush.
His eyes they were blank and is jaw hung a' slack,
His beer gut jiggled when I asked. "Are there some in the back?"

He spoke not a word, just pointed his finger
at the carnival colors of lights left there to linger.
Then scratching his ass and cocking his head
He left me there, standing alone, seeing red.

I sighed as I purchased what little was left,
Then hiked back to my car,drove home sad and bereft.

But as I strung all those lights I saw something wonderous and new.
Merry Christmas to all-
My tree's balls have turned blue!

Time Waster Tuesday

Yeah Yeah Yeah, I'm lame, but the creative juices have dried up like dog poo on the sidewalk. So, in place of a post of any substance I thought Id share with you what Ive been wasting my time with today. Surfing the web and avoiding the tedious - any idiot with a calculator could do it pile of crap on my desk(Ahhhh that's a college education well spent).

I found this site totally devoted to things people overhear in the office, or on the street, or anywhere you hear random weirdness. Damn! Why didn't I think of that. She who tap dances and I are always sitting in restaurants trying to listen in on other people's conversations. Is that wrong?

Overheard in the Office.

Worker girl: I have to clean my room when I get home tonight. Clothing is everywhere.
Worker guy: Why? Are you having someone come over?
Worker girl: Not planning on it, but you never know.
Worker guy: Why the hell do you bother picking up clothing? Maybe if it were actually filthy... But if you're going to let a guy look at your vagina, he should be willing to deal with a shirt on your floor.

McLean, Virginia

Overheard by: Well He's Right