Friday, September 5, 2008

Nothing

I haven't wanted to write this week.
The stories and anecdotal bits and pieces of life I have to share require a light tone and a humorous voice, but I just don't feel funny. I feel cranky; cranky and profoundly sorry for myself, which in turn makes me even crankier because I hate it (nay, I loathe it) when I get all maudlin and "woe is me". It's such self indulgent bullshit, but I can't seem to wade out of this tar pit of self pity.

I'm not even sure how to put into words exactly what is wrong. There have been no tragedies, no major upheavals, just this pervasive fog of negativity that makes everything seem worse than it is. Every hurdle seems insurmountable, and no one could possibly understand. Oh no, who could understand money issues, hating their body, job pressure, family melodramas, or feeling lonely and disconnected? Just me, the girl in the self absorbed plastic bubble. Shit, John Travolta's got nothing on me.

This has been building for a while; like a storm in open water, gathering strength and becoming more defined as it feeds off of the warmth below. How is it that I feel restless, anxious, and worried that I won't be able to fix the things in my life that need a lot of work; and simultaneously lack the energy to even whip it up enough to care? My psyche is in paradoxic flux (okay, so that might not be a real term, or real words for that matter, but fuck it, I like it). I'm wondering if it's not time to call in the cavalry.

So I've been avoiding my blog, because I knew once I started to write all that would come would be a bitter tasting whine. Obviously I decided to write it out anyway. Sorry 'bout that, but like so many other bloggers, this space is not only a place to hone, and (hopefully) improve my writing, it's also a place to hash some shit out, to think out loud, and maybe even gain a fresh perspective. Besides, if I don't write honestly, if I edit myself because I think the real stuff is too messy or boring, or whatever, then what the hell am I doing here in the first place?

16 comments:

S said...

Wow..thank you for this extremely honest and refreshing post....life is not always pretty! This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling all week. Life is SO stressful right now...money, work, family, disconnection. I can relate 100%...and just knowing that someone else is feeling the same way somehow makes me feel better (not that I wish this on anyone, mind you). I hope you continue to post very honest, just how you are feeling, blogs!

Thank you..thank you...thank you!

Sandy

thailandchani said...

I also think it's very honest and appreciate that. Life ain't always pretty and no one is obligated to pretend it is! :)


~*

flutter said...

I adore you. That's it.

tysdaddy said...

Yep. Been there. Bought the tour shirt. Black even.

Hang in there, friend. This time of year is a drag for many . . .

Lara said...

I can't relate at all to this post.

Nope, not me. No money issues. No body issues. No pressure. No disconnectedness. No negativity at all.

Not a bit.

And not one single lie either.
*hugs*

Pare said...

No editing! Let the real stuff out. We like you any which way, you know.

Hanlie said...

I know exactly how you feel! I haven't been great either... and it does make it harder to blog.

Lynn said...

Join the club, we've got jackets!

we_be_toys said...

Hey, guess what? I booked us two padded cells, right next to each other, for the weekend! Good times!

You know I know that you know- hell, Henry knows! I say give in to it for a little bit, coddle your inner Bea, and then it's time to deal. Get a plan in place for the external and unavoidable bullshit, and prioritize the rest.

Oh, and I'll have the happy beverages ready to go for us, m'kay? Always happy to be your companion in misery, pookie!

I want you to imagine Brian (Tysdaddy) and me, standing with our arms around each other's shoulders, both wearing black T shirts that say: "I went to the depths of hell and all I got was this stupid T shirt!"

Vodka Mom said...

crap. Even when you whine, you do it eloquently. It was a beautiful, eloquent whine.

And, frankly, it makes us all realize that we are human. Thinking of you. (did I say drinking, or thinking???)

bandick said...

But remember...you have princess hair.

Vodka Mom said...

I thought of you as I was bawling my eyes out this morning. Couldn't stop crying. Didn't know why. Is there something in the air???? Well, let's get rid of it.

FairiesNest said...

I agree with vodka mom, there must be something in the air. I refused to even get out of PJs today, much less face the mountain of work that is waiting for me. I'm so full of self pity for my ills that there must be some kind of award. And when is Fall going to arrive?!I'm blaming it on Republicans...why the hell not! Love you sweetie and thanks for letting us realize we're not alone with this.

Ben and Bennie said...

It's definitely leftover BS from the republicans. There's only so much censorship, violations of personal rights, Barbie-doll veeps with no valid credentials, big oil whining about profits being down, and bumper stickers that read "The Only Difference Between Obama & Osama is BS" that one can take. (yes, I did see that sticker this weekend).

Dr. BenWah recommends two martinis and a box of chocolates "'cause you never know which one your gonna get."

Gypsy said...

I feel ya, sistah. I feel ya. And I'm right there with you in the doldrums. May they pass soon.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm with you.

This is your space.

No apologies.