Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It's a Little Early for The Valentines Day Masacree

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

It's beautiful isn't it? ee cummings is one of my favorite poets, and this is one of my favorite poems. When someone asks "what do you want out of life?", it's not money, or fame or success that comes to mind(though those things would be nice). What I crave above all other things is that poem. I want to feel that way about someone, and have someone feel that way about me. Those who have found it I envy with a dark slimy green intensity that sometimes catches me off guard.

Some would say it's a fairy tale, that there's no such thing as that kind of devotion, but for as long as I can remember I have believed that I was destined to find that one great love. Even now, at my age, and being so very very *sigh* very single, I still buy the "happily ever after" bit. Maybe I'm being naive.

Naive? Okay, I'll admit it, but I'm also afraid. In my deepest darkest most secret place, I'm afraid I'll never find it. What if there is something intrinsically wrong with me, and I'm simply not capable of being open enough to let someone in? What if, deep down inside, I know this and I'm using weight as the ultimate weapon for shutting people (men) out? How does one go about unravelling something like that? How does that naivete and that fear manage to coexist?

My head hurts.

This was going to be a quiet little post about a beloved piece of poetry, but obviously I've digressed into a swirling pit of poo. So sorry Mr. Cummings. I'll hold my naivete close for now, and quit while I'm ahead before I start ripping the wings off of the Tooth Fairy.


we_be_toys said...

Oh have at with that little Tooth Fairy beotch - she has been falling off the job so badly lately, maybe a little wing rending would realign her priorities!

As for the rest? I do believe in IT,and I think your IT Guy is out there, but you're gonna have to go out there too, to find him.

flutter said...

um, wasssa masacree? ;p

I love ee cummings as well, you have excellent taste

Lara said...

I think IT exists. What is dangerous is when you get married thinking you have found IT, and then find IT in someone at a later point and realize that what you thought was IT really wasn't IT. And when you find IT, you might not even recognize IT at first, because IT can come with ITs own complications and confusions.

So don't worry and don't rush... enjoy what you've got as you're looking for IT.

Lynn said...

The trick isn't finding IT. It's keeping hold of IT, recognizing IT for what IT is.

I have IT. I almost lost IT through carelessness and was luckily able to bring IT back. And believe me, IT is as wonderful and strange and magnificent as you think IT will be.

bandick said...

I hate to be corny, but I kinda have IT with myself. And I'm not talking about "that" IT. I'm talking about "the" IT. I'm so inta me lately, IT doesn't matter quite as much as IT used to.

I don't think about finding IT when I'm on my bike, volunteering my time, practicing my Spanish with the CD lessons, or running around with my dog.

That's not to say that I'm not looking. But I am now comfortable with my life without IT, so I'll enjoy IT that much more when I find IT.

FairiesNest said...

I wish you could see the lovable person that I know you to be.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I discovered ee cummings in high school and was instantly gutted. The poem you quoted has always been among my favorites.

I used another of his on our wedding programs.

we are so both and oneful
night cannot be so sky
sky cannot be so sunful
i am through you so i

Yours is out there. I can feel your rich and good beauty all the way up here. It can't go unmet much longer.

Cammy said...

I'm sorry you're in a funk, but it's a lovely poem and one I hadn't read. Thanks so much for sharing it.

As for the other IT, have you clearly defined it? Do you know who and what you're looking for? Or is it a case of knowing it when you see or feel it? For me, it helps to have clearly defined "goals" in this area, too. Not that my mind is completely closed if someone outside my personal IT-guy paramaters wanders into my life, but I'm pretty sure I know what I'm looking for.

You watch, I'll end up falling for a jobless, mustached Republican and you will all taunt me with it. :)

Feel better soon....

Gypsy said...

I like WBT is right. IT's out there, but you have to be out there, too, to find it.

And, at least in my experience of IT, IT isn't always easy.

Heather said...

I am not helpful. I hate IT. I refused to believe in IT and everything blew up in my face. Sometimes it is easier without IT. :)

Vodka Mom said...

I love ee...i love your writing...I love that you are holding onto something that you KNOW will happen. it will happen. you're damn cool.

Hanlie said...

You deserve IT! Sometimes though we have to go and get IT... and believe that we deserve IT... Good luck!