Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Bloggingytis

It feels strange to be blogging again, It's been a while since I've tried to sit down and write, and it seems I've lost my voice. It had become increasingly more difficult to come up with things to write about, and when I did write, I was utterly dissatisfied with what was on the page. As my frustration increased I found myself whispering mean little wasps of stinging criticism in my own ear. You suck at this. It shouldn't be this hard to just write. If it's this difficult for you, you obviously aren't good enough, and should just quit. Jesus, I'm a bitch.

Needless to say, there have been more than a few times within the past few weeks that I resolved to quit, take the damn thing down, and never look back, but I found I couldn't bring myself to do it. The specter of failure, of one more thing I started but just couldn't seem to stick with was always hanging over my shoulder. Walking away for a little while also made it apparent that I would miss it, and more to the point, I would dearly miss the bloggers I have gotten to know and have truly come to care about through their writing, and their support of my attempts at writing. Blogging has also been something my best friend and I have been doing together since we started our respective blogs in the fall. Bouncing post ideas back and forth, playing the part of editor for each other, and discussing at length our favorite blogs has been great fun, and I'm loath to give that up as well.

This dichotomy of wracked insecurity and genuine enjoyment with the whole blogging experience got me thinking about what real writers must go through on a daily basis. How does one get up every morning and give a little bit of yourself with every article,essay, and blog page you write? I've always been fascinated with the creative process, of the psychology that goes into taking that creative spark and translating it to the canvas or page to become something that inspires. I envy those who make it seem so effortless.

I do know that, at least for me, where I was writing was having an adverse effect on my motivation. My computer is set up in a back bedroom that gets little light, and the desk faces the wall. Every time I sat down to write I felt closed in, rigid, and completely cut off from the rest of the house. Tonight, after several false starts, and two visits from a very kind, very patient co-worker/IT guru, I finally have my wireless connection up and running (oh happy day!). I am now writing from the comfort of my very cozy den, curled up on my very comfy couch with warm kitties curled up like throw pillows, and its a much better perspective. I wonder of you all have favorite places or times to write, what inspires, and what stifles.

Where is this post going? I hardly know (I'm rusty here people!), other than to say that I'm beginning to think that blogging is alot like dating that charming, sexy, dangerous guy your mother warned you about- A shitload of heartache, a few tears, at least one good break up, but sooo worth it in the end.

10 comments:

we_be_toys said...

For a girl who's lost her voice, I can hear you FINE!
I bet the move from your back-cave (holy almost synonymous!) will help open your head up, but I have to warn you: that guy your mother warned you about? She KNEW what she was talking about - and those guys are PURE trouble, girl! ;)

btw, welcome back!

Hanlie said...

Ah, and a whole new look too! I like it!

Last week when I was doing some housekeeping in my google reader, deleting blogs that aren't active anymore, I decided to keep yours, because I enjoy you and your writing so much. I fervently hoped you'd be back! Welcome back. You do have a voice and an audience!

kacey said...

You see I found you, then you left. I was starting to think it was me *g. Glad you're back writing.

I write anywhere, thanks to my wireless and my macbook. I think I prefer the recliner in my bedroom, or propped up in bed with way too many pillows.

transplanting me said...

yea!! you're back. i was beginning to think it was me, but now i see it was really kacey :)

FairiesNest said...

Hey girl, welcome back! I sure get the whole "what the hell am I going to write about and it will probably suck" scenario! We are our own worst critics. Don't worry so much...of course that comes from the person who holds the worlds' best worrier title. I want pictures of Jory in her new home...there you go, a subject for the next post!

Lynn said...

Writing is never effortless...

I promise you this. Even people who make it look good are just making it look good. It's like watching someone dance the ballet. It looks really good, but there's so much effort behind it that your hands would shake just thinking about it.

(Even Harlan Ellison says so... and you can trust him! He REALLY makes it look easy.)

PS GLAD to have you back!!

Grumpy Chair said...

I have been feeling exactly the same way - been blogging since July 2006 and lately I haven't anything to say.

But don't give up and don't delete your blog either.

You have a lovely writing voice.

Pare said...

KILLER ending. And so very true.

Nicole said...

Maybe you could reframe the blogging experience. Turn it into an opportunity to express yourself instead of trying to write something you think people will find interesting. Could you view it more as a diary, a place where you record thoughts and events that are meaningful to you? I find that those are the kind of things I enjoy reading about most.

maggie, dammit said...

Welcome back, lovely. You're dead on, with all of it. You learn how to take his love when it suits you, and kick him out when it doesn't. The important part is the romp itself.