Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bed's Dead Baby

I didn't know I was going to need a "Before" photo, if I had, I certainly would have taken the time to document the events that unfolded late Friday night, for they were just about my undoing.

I came home Friday night, well, more like early Saturday morning around 1am. I had a friendly Friday night buzz going, and all I really wanted to do was take a shower and fall into bed. The fates, it seems, had other plans. I walked in the door and was struck stupid by a smell, nay, a stench so foul,so strong that I was convinced something or someone had curled up in a corner somewhere and was quietly decomposing. Imagine a mix of dead fish, and rotten chicken duking it out for the title of most offensive smell.

I immediately started stuffing my nose down each and every air vent in the house, convinced this was where whatever had died had chosen for its final resting place. This of course was aggravating my PTSD over the nightmare of moving into my 65year old house as a first time home owner four years ago, and discovering all my duct work had to be replaced to get rid of the rank odour emanating from my floor vents.

It's now 1:30 am, I have checked the vents, taken the garbage out, scrubbed out the garbage can, turned the AC on to dry out the humidity, but was still no closer to finding the smell; though at this point I was acclimating to the it so I could no longer really tell if I smelled it or not. That was until.........

I walked into my room to get ready for bed (I had given up, I was tired, and my friendly Friday buzz was losing patience with me)when oh my GOD the smell! WTF?! Then I saw it back in the corner behind the headboard, that which no living person should ever have to come face to face with ever ever. A giant wet chunky pile of regurgitated canned cat food (Mariners Catch, no less!). It was the biggest pile of cat yack I had ever seen in my life;we're talking Laura Dern digging around in dino doo big. Surely my little 7 lb cat couldn't possibly have made this mess!

Once I've gathered my hazmat gear I start to pull the bed away from the wall to get to the mess, and as I do the entire headboard pitches forward and falls into the mattress; now no matter which direction I move the bed the freekin' headboard just groans and leans farther into the mattress.It's at this point, dear reader, that I lost my shit David Banner-you-wouldn't-like-me-when-I'm-angry-style. I was growling like a mad woman, stomping my feet and swearing like a truck driver, I may have even been crying, I'm not sure, it was all kind of a blurr. When the green haze had cleared, I had ripped the mattress and the box spring off the frame and yanked the bed around so hard that it was now in two large heavy pain in my ass pieces,dragged them through the house into the laundry room, and cleaned up the monumental pile puke. I was done like dinner. I took a shower and went to sleep in the guest room.

I awoke the next morning refreshed and ready to face the aftermath, but not without coffee. I went down to Ms. B's house for a much needed cup O' Joe and to regale her with last night's debacle. We decided there was no better time to move some furniture around get that room looking somewhat decent in spite of the hunter green trim (who does that?).So we did, and it looked pretty good if I do say so myself. Thus the "after picture. And there on the corner of the bed that once resided in the guest room? Yes, there's the cat that started the whole damn thing.


Hanlie said...

My cats love leaving their upchuck on my bedside mat, so that when I get up to go to the bathroom at night, I inevitably step into it with my bare feet. Fortunately it doesn't smell and it's not such a common occurrence!

The room looks so inviting!

Lara said...

Our (now deceased) cat (old age, really... I promise) used to like to eat Christmas tree needles. And grass. And moths.

They didn't stay in well either.

We miss her, really we do.

Your room looks awesome. In spite of hunter green trim. And the cat's best attempts.

FairiesNest said...

We used to have a bulimic cat named Percival Beanersnitcher. He threw up after almost EVERY meal...good times...
The room looks awesome, very Mothra Stewart!

we_be_toys said...

Ahhh good times! I know,just like Lara's cat, you'll miss Zoe's puking little ass when she finally goes to that big field in the sky. Yeah you will - its just hard to conceive of it now!

So when are we painting the walls and that damn green trim? I'm game!

HappyBlogChick said...

Ahhh, cats bring such lovely adventures into our lives.

My geriatric princess kitty is sitting on my lap right now. We've found if you give her anti-anxiety meds and anti-inflamitory meds and vitamin supplements along with insanely expensive prescription cat food, she will refrain from puking and/or pooing on the carpet and/or marble floors. Gotta love cats with IBS and anxiety issues. Good times.

Cammy said...

Now see, as much as I love cats, this is *exactly* why I don't have one. :) Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, though, because the room is absolutely gorgeous.

maggie, dammit said...

Oooooh, this looks gooooood!

Looking inside other people's homes, particularly when they look straight out of one of my many many decorating books, is like porn to me. Seriously.

Nice work!

Suz said...

bwaahahahahaha.... I swear I'm laughing with you not at you.

BUT... the new room does look great I must say.