Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The First Five

I've been thinking a lot since my last post. Specifically I've been thinking about what you guys had to say about my last post; about having to like yourself, right now, not in a year, or 50 lbs from now. So over the past few days I've been pondering,plumbing the depths, getting my introspection on, and trying focus on things I like about myself. It's been harder to do than I thought it would be. I don't know if that's because I'm uncomfortable saying out loud the things that I like about myself (it feels like bragging, or being snobby and shallow), or that when I say those things, they ring hollow, and I don't really believe what I'm saying. Conundrum!

So I tasked myself to come up with 5 things (physical or otherwise) that I genuinely like about myself. My old therapists would be so proud. It's taken a week, and I'm still not sure how I feel about putting them out there, out here, but here it goes:

I like my eyes. They're kind eyes. Blue, but they change in intensity depending on what I'm wearing or if I'm pissed off, and sometimes they look kind of green. They remind me of the colors of the ocean, which is kind of cool because my name means 'star of the sea'.

I'm a really good listener. I feel honored and needed when someone trusts me enough to unload. It happens a lot, I think I put people at ease( that might be considered another "thing", but I think it's part of what makes me a good listener) Even if I can't offer any advice or solutions, I find it easy to empathise with people, and I can tell that they feel better for sharing whatever it is they have on their mind.

I like my hair. It's long and naturally curly, and while it's thinner than it used to be it's still really full and thick. I even like the color; a kind of reddish brown that with a little help from Loriel, can go a deep auburn. A friend once told me I had "princess hair". I know, it's totally vain, and I feel extraordinarily silly and sheepish writing about it, but its the one part of my physical self that I feel like I can flaunt.

When I put my mind to it I am a pretty good cook. I learned from watching my father, he did all the cooking when I was growing up, still does as a matter fact. He does amazing things with food. We haven't always had the best relationship,so the affinity I feel with him when I cook is very important to me. I don't do it very often, but I love getting in my kitchen and experimenting with different recipes. This past winter the Tapdancer and I had a ball dunking homemade cranberry orange biscotti(my own variation on my grandmother's recipe) into thick dark melted chocolate. Watching people enjoy what I've made is very satisfying. It feeds my soul. Perhaps I should do it more often.

I like my sense of humor. I'm funny dammit! Okay, so it may not come across here, but trust me, this is funny stuff. I love to laugh, and when I'm the one who's made the funny, all the better. I love those rare giggle fests, the ones where you laugh so hard you can't catch your breath, tears are streaming down your face, and you might even snort. I can be bawdy when the situation arises, and I pride myself on being able to hang as the only woman in my department. I get all the tasteless jokes and emails, and it is a constant source of amazement to my co-workers that I don't get offended. Bonus points if I can shock the hell out of them.

So there it is. The first five. I don't know if this little exercise actually helped or not, but it did bring to light just how hard I am on myself, all the time. That little voice loop that runs in my head is almost all negative. I don't know who gave the mic to the critical bitch in my head, but damn, she needs to shut the fuck up.


Pare said...

Chanda, that last line just made me burst out laughing.

Glad you did this. It's always good to remind yourself sometimes that you CAN come up with these things.

I wish you were kinder to yourself but damn, I know how that goes. Hang in.

flutter said...

I love your enormous heart and your poetic soul.

And I love that they are housed in you, princess hair and all

Gypsy said...

You really ARE funny. And I'd probably kill for your princess hair.

bandick said...

Your funny totally comes across!

I'm with you though. The reason I hate online dating is because I'm terrible at selling myself. I keep saying that I have a hard time coming up with a list of why I'm awesome -- mine is more a list of how I don't suck.

It will happen for us both eventually, I'm sure. But if it doesn't...? Fuck 'em. You'll still be rockin' your princess hair and I'll still be, well...not sucking.

Cammy said...

I like you even more just reading those. I love to laugh, too. A lot and loudly.

I also love that these are only the first five. :)

Maggie, Dammit said...

It's too bad you were apologizing for them even as you were writing, but you addressed that in the kickass last line. ;)

I can see an even clearer picture of you now and I like what I see very much, very much.

Nicole said...

I love it!! Wonderful list! You should do one thing a day. Or maybe think about doing a gratitude list (either for public or private consumption).

Lynn said...

This is great, sweetie.

I think you're quite amusing, myself.

(also, I appreciate that you swear. There's so much sugar and light in people's blogs sometimes, even I don't swear too much... heavens, I shouldn't like to offend someone...)

Heather said...

Hmm, I suspected as much, you are wonderful. I like you so very much from over here.

It is hard to tell yourself you are wonderful, but, I would love to see more of this, m'lady.

Lara said...

I'd be glad to help you bitchslap that critical bitch in your head. She deserves it.

And then you can come help me bitchslap mine. Because she really doesn't know when to shut up.

Unless it's the same critical bitch in both of our heads. But that would be really freaky.

You've made a good start here. But eyes and hair are easy... keep digging, there's lots more. :)

FairiesNest said...

Well the first five are absolutely true...but there are lots more then that! You're a terrific friend,you have fabulous taste in clothes(and books!), you're kind , generous, great with kids, so much fun to be with....and I could go on and on! And damn it, I think you're gorgeous! (I'm SO jealous of that hair!)

we_be_toys said...

Still beating that dead horse of a starfish name, I see!

Now you KNOW that I think you're one fab beotch, and no one makes me cry and tee-tee simultaneously like you, pookie!

Can I do your hair? (evil laugh)

Anonymous said...

I had to do that myself in my blog recently when I had negative zero self-esteem. It's a hard thing to do and I commend you for doing it! (Although I am rather jealous that you have Princess Hair).

Anonymous said...

One word....
I wub yew!

bandick said...

Bring your princess hair back to us!

we_be_toys said...

"why don't he write?"
- Dances With Wolves

I miss you Bea!

btw, who is Anonymous and why do they "wub yew?" I mean, I know you are "wubable" but who is this Anonymous, anyway?